88.

I'm so so
Its late
And I forgot to take my medicine
I'm uptight and tired
In my life its so mechanical
And feeling, feeling great
till I realise all the mess I'm in
I'm so uninspired at a time that is so so

I'm so so
Its fate
I've lost my antihistamine
I'm finding it hard
To fill in the pro's of my reasons for living list
When its too late to be late
I don’t show up at all
The gaps in my diaries speak volumes about me
I've done something wrong
At least I've done something

Take me back to the London town
That brought me up
Cause its bringing me down
And I will pay you solid gold, my friend, yeah
Would you take me back to London town
When it felt good to be around
And I will pay you solid gold my friend, my friend
(Solid gold x4)

I'm so so today
My days are unaccounted for
I found ,I'm bound only to me
I'm not alone, but I'm lonely
Feeling great
In a voice that didn’t suit the face
He said instead they’re becoming your mistakes
Remember that time is the time that it takes
I've done something wrong
At least I've done something

Take me back to the London town
That brought me up cause its bringing me down
And I will pay you solid gold my friend, yeah please
Take me back to the town I miss
Now morphed into antithesis of
Every bit it used to be
I'm so so

so this is so so so how i feel right now.

86.

What does it mean to be the bad guy?

Is it your intentions, is it your actions, or inactions, or is it that tight knotting pain in your stomach?- If i could guess I'd say it was all three, but i think i've just lied to myself long enough to become the villain, and that i never wanted to see happen. It did, though.

"I'm a vindictive little bitch, truth be told," (Clementine)

But I believe that everything happens for a reason: everything.

85.

flushed cheeks,

knees weak.

break me.

there's something beautiful in destruction,

or we wouldn't find it so appealing.

Even destructing ourselves, in the most beautifully appealing away.

"Night won’t breathe

Oh how we
Fall into silence from the sky"

Tell me something will happen....

84.

There's something invigorating about coming back to something you have forgotten, taking time (so precious) to do what you love, even if you'll regret it later. There are some things in life that i know, and most things that i do not know: but this, that when i'm waking up in the morning tomorrow and i cannot wake from a crusty-eyed slumber, that i stayed up the night before: not starting my essay, not finishing my spanish questions but thinking, and reflecting, which i think is more important than you're everyday school assignment.

Teachers want you to grow and develop into a functioning and successful participant in the interdependent world, or that's at least what the keep telling me. As a hopeful teacher myself, i want kids to grow up with passion: maybe it's not for doing assignments and that's all right: everyone has their own forte and sometimes it doesn't involve memorization skills and a pen. I know that i shouldn't be saying that people can find their passions anywhere, because there will be one smart-ass who says their passion is sitting in front of the television all day and eating junk food. Well, except the mindless Babbitts of our society, people who discover and follow new passions are what change and shape our world. Passions for entertainment, or social networking, or language, or math, or creating, or destroying: each of these things are needed in a balanced society.

There will be time, there will be time
To prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet;
There will be time to murder and create,
And time for all the works and days of hands
That lift and drop a question on your plate;	30
Time for you and time for me,
And time yet for a hundred indecisions,
And for a hundred visions and revisions,
Before the taking of a toast and tea. T.S. Eliot's "J.Alfred Prufrock"

Just food for thought. Nom. Nom. Nom. Valerie.

82.

So, the fact that i love literature- the journey, the lessons, the people I meet along the way: and it has shaped most of my life. I remember when i was 11 or younger and i would go to the library every week and that was what I most looked foreword to- the miles of books that stretched along ivory covered shelves, their spines broken and creased with time and love, the back of the elderly book shaped around the rotting pages and the torn skin. I loved running around with my mother in tow, dragging her along aisles until I was beside myself with a pile of books, especially in the summer, when the brisk air conditioned cooled the sweat on my forehead. I remember thumbing through with a concentrated look on my face: my pink tongue swelled to the front of my mouth, peeking through my innocently young lips. I remember penning titles on lists of summer reading books, and I was so proud. I see now my mother sitting near my bed, with her back propped up against the side, reading and reading and reading: I liked watching her mouth move. As I slipped into slumber I gazed at that mouth that kissed me on the forehead morphing and stretching itself into sounds, and words, and sentences, and how my world would eventually go dark and quiet.

Later, I remember writing down the words that once captivated me, even to the one syllabled, "a" or "the" that strung coherent thought together.

And now i remember this: I remember each moment as it passes by, a page so recently passed that you can quickly turn back the page and re-read the moment, but not rewrite it. And how i wish i could rewrite it. But remember it with love, like the last line of a book you can't re-read for the first time. A story where you can't remember the ending as much as you wish, then train wreck you can't wash out of your brain. Remember what you can't rewrite.

81.

Did anyone notice i skipped 75 and 76? lol.

So i've undertook a new project, a really intense one that I'm actually going to finish:

No. It's not about books and it's not about writing, although i do enough of that for school as it is, I'm saving finishing Ner0& Nadia for the summer at the toll booth. What I am doing though:

Is creating my own Prom Dress!!!!!!

I'll be keeping you guys updated through my blog on how this project goes, right now i have the design drawn, and the fabric bought, and the sewing machine in my room-- hopefully it'll move past that with the delightful help of my friend Becca (my sewing savior)

The inspiration of the dress is a pride and prejudice style with the colors from Hermione's Yule Ball dress. The slightly low empire waist with simple a-line skirt and laced accents really make it very Austen. On the HP front, the rosy colors are evocative of Hermione's dress in the Yule Ball movie, not so much the book.

And the next step of course would be designing it:

and next would be to secure a sewing machine from my lovely friend Cola:

and FINALLY we went fabric shopping (Kyra, Becca, and I)

And Becca was really happen about her Africa-style cotton.

This is the fabric for my dress:

So wish me luck, and pray to the sewing gods for me,

Valerie.