107.

Truth be told, i'm scared. about so many things, they creep up on me in moments of classical music, pattering legs on bare skin while beauty rushes around my head in waves. I'm scared of so many things: It's hard to place exactly, but in this midst I see my future, I see my past, I see that everything around me is changing while I stay the same. I see that I have different friends, different habits, that i'm in a different place, that i have a fabulous, but different life now. The same person in a different life sounds ironic and funny at the same time. Doesn't make sense, much like the situation I'm in right now.

I try to articulate how i'm feeling, and I've learned that I'm pretty good at articulating my feelings but this tongue is thick, and these fingers are weary and all i'm coming up with is this:

Snow whistles around me,

a blind fit of flakes:

swirling, blinding, building, cascading

spinning and whirling,

which direction is straight?

which is foreword, which is home?

I don't know the path or the road, so i laugh.

Blanketed in a beautiful new face,

lost and found in this new place.

I know where I stand,

clad in mittens and scarf and coat

notes from a piano lift from the snow on which I dote.

I remember, laughing

it leads me, behind and through

until my fingers are raw,

and i've lost my senses, i've lost it all.

I remember them wrapped around mugs of past days

where friends were wrapped in gray and they were laughing,

sounds tumbling like the white flakes of snow

landing in my mouth, open, laughing.

104

This is my first phone post...  more to come bitches ;)

103.

This is me: sitting in the library listening to John Butler Trio, trying to

get my homework done for the week and trying not to loose my sanity. It's been a hectic week, as my editor said so lightly... it hasn't just been a hectic week. It's been an insane week. They told me that university life (ergo work) would creep up on me. But foolishly, I didn't believe them: and now it has. More than that--it's becoming reasoning to have an anxiety attack

. But working in the library probably wasn't a good idea when i was the most hungover I've probably been in my life. I need more coffee, and maybe a 3 hour nap. But i have a pretty extensive list of homework, work which for some reason I can't finish at my home @ Solin <3 because it's home and there's so much more shit to do there, you know?

My first Leacock's piece will be up soon: Yay! I have 2 coming up. Keep a look out, kiddies, this girl's a journalist now. ;)

I have to say, even though i'm in college and my world is changing more than i can believe, the thing i miss most is being able to just call my best friend and have her pick me up, and sitting in her car at steamboat and talking about the world. I'm growing up, without my past life and it's scary. I'm independent but I feel that I might be losing myself in this crazy mess of lights and parties, and homework, and fun. I mean i've already gone past my own limitations to try to find connections with people. I have best friends here, and i've built bridges and formed connections but I'm not a girl that just has physical fun and sleeps around... I want to form a physical connection that lasts... and maybe next time he won't have a girlfriend .____. Fail.

So as of now, in this new college life I'm just going with the flow, and hopefully I'll get caught on the right rock and form a real connection. We'll see. Won't we?

Keep you posted, more than i have been ;) And the photo rendition of my day is coming. Probably Monday,

Love always, Valerie.

102.

To be quite honest... I don't know which blog I prefer, but I will link it up if it happens to be the latter.

Thanks for dealing with my fickle heart.

101.

I realize I've been neglectful... I also realize (as a big grownup college student now--odd as that sounds) that I shouldn't end a blog because things end badly or because I'm embarrassed because of what's been written. That is so cowardly: at least I believe. It's time now for me to accept my history of thoughts as my own, no matter how pathetic and ridiculous and desperate. For a time, no matter how short or disgustingly long: I felt those things, and feelings are not something to condone but celebrate. I am consistently inconsistent and fickle as my blog title suggests.

And for neglecting those few readers still reading, I am sorry I made the grand mistake of trying to start over: I always try to do that. But things aren't capable of just starting and stopping, they're a continuum like relationships, personalities, realities, hardships and pleasure.

And I'm tired of trying to start over and over and over again.

So here I am in Montreal, after attempting a clean slate at home, and attempting a clean slate of a better Valerie, which for the most part has been successful. And because I have assignments due tomorrow, tomorrow I will picture categorize a day in the life of a McGill student... this McGill student: Valerie, Me. I will show you my every[Tues] day and how things go down.

So, off to late night psych work: Valerie.

100.

I don't even know if you'll ever read this rhyme:

or if it will forever be lost in time;

but i've lost the words i've begun to say

i've tried, but they all seem to have flown away.

Describing is pointless,

and my hopes and fears are voiceless:

but my fingers have begun to pen

an apology that i wish will somehow mend

what is broken and will hopefully bring us back to then:

the only way that feelings are confirmed

in the simplest of terms:

I miss you, more than i've known and you would ever learn.

I know this is a desperate plea

but the ache in my stomach is calling me

to tell you how good we'd be

if you learned my love for thee.

This is the last thing i'd expect

this thing i've recently wrecked

is the love i suspect

would lead to perfect.

So in this poem of the sublime:

I hope to correct the perfect crime

of mistaken love and unfitting time:

I love you, and still want you to be mine.

I thought that was an appropriate 100th post. I desperately hope you know who you are (it might not be expected)... and a way to officially end my blog: with love instead of hate. my last post was out of so much fear; i was scared of my feelings and i've always had a tendency to run away from them: whether it be hate or anger, or in this case love. So hopefully this last post serves me well, as i take my next step in my life by no longer hiding my feelings; and by taking things as they come. And to whom this poem concerns: i dearly miss you: as a best friend, a loyal companion, and the first person i really connected with this school year. Forgive me?

99.

I'm so done with everyone and everything in highschool. where and when is my ticket out?! i'm so over petty drama and leaky mouths, and pitiful kids. I'm sick of being called a tease, and i'm sick of being called inconsiderate. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired over every issue that comes my way. What i want, what i really want is a fresh start: a new beginning. That's why i'm starting a new blog: that none of you will ever know. that's why, i'm not going to worry over anything, i'm not going to cry over anybody: i'm just so done. McGill, save me? can you come any sooner?

Adios, Au revior,