94.

There’s something beautiful in the sunset, even though in actually it signifies an end.
The pretty colors, the radiant pink clouds floating over us as the sky darkens, it’s lovely, and then the night set in. It’s this sort of expectations of the excitement the night will bring, it only shows us that half of our day is over and so much can happen in the dark of the night. Possibilities are as numerous as the luminous stars: each a wish for better, for newer, for more special, more unique lives we’re already living. Life is so much more than wishing on stars and mystical places, it’s appreciation, and I love. I love you, so much I can’t even begin to describe it; it’s at the point of our sunset, and I don’t think I should have to be the one to call you to hit up the night-lights. I mean, quite honestly, I know, that you fell out of love with me long ago: I can see it in your eyes, and your mouth when you purse your lips in indignation, when you furrow your brows at me like I’m some kind of love-crossed, idiot girl crossed with a pathetic puppy that’s been kicked.
Make our sunset beautiful and our night excited because on every star out there, I’m making a wish for you, for love. “To lay beside you when the day is done, and wake up to your face against the morning sun”
Don’t make me hide my heart away please.

And if you do, my dear, I hope that you at least cared for me at one point. I may be wishing for a ridiculous fairy tale, I wish for them often, and passionately, but I wish for magic. I make mediocrity, I wish for magic. Pretty woman, that old movie with Richard Gere and Julia Roberts, made me as happy as a kid in a candy shop—I kid who REALLY wants Peachy O’s or whatever the fuck they’re called. I mean this Cinderella story, it’s beautiful and magical: but not in a corny way: not a Hilary duff way, in a Elizabeth Bennet way, a Gigi way, a Belle way—where someone admits they were wrong and they correct these major mistakes and accept love for what it is: unexpected, lovely, and magical. I wish for that kind of love because it’s the only kind of magic we have left.
Call me a fool, call me an idiot, call me a love-sick asshole or a teenage girl, but this story book love had to exist somewhere, or sometime, or else we wouldn’t have all these different renditions, we wouldn’t have it engraved in our minds. I don’t think my heart melts whenever I hear a sappy lyric for nothing. I don’t think I clutch my chest during a romantic kiss for nothing. It’s there, but we have to accept it when it comes, whenever it comes, and make the best of it: from beginning to end. Even if it shouldn’t end, or if you don’t want it to end so soon, because you don’t think it got the chance it deserved. So, in the not-so-wise words of the duchess in Adventures of Alice in Wonderland, the “moral of that is” but with my obviously more wise explanation: kiss often and kiss passionately, see into people’s souls, and keep your head in the clouds: you might get hurt, you might get burned or slashed or cut or maimed: but the feeling that you feel when you’re in it: head over heels? Those fuzzles are more than worth it. Cherish it, because as of now I’m living vicariously through you: give me something to live vicariously through people: Give the girl what she wants: besides peachy O’s and being held like the sun holds the moon, that would be nice.
“Fears the only walls that hold me here” Valerie.
P.S. You know what Mr. Hotel concierge in Pretty Woman, it is hard to let something so beautiful go. Every guy who wrote those lyrics, every guy who wanted to kiss a certain girl like that: deserves a quality handjob. Just saying. or something of that nature

93

i hold the moon in my hands,

damaged and bruised from all that debris,

the skin old and grey

craters as deep as the sky,

wrinkles across his face:

yet he ever glows in the night sky, soft and mysterious

in the corner of the room.

But you have to notice--don't you?

That man has a smile on his face,

even if his love is a million kilometers away,

shinning, solo, warming the world

the moon and sun only meeting ever so often,

when the spheres align

and the worlds collide.

But they intertwine and revive

and the stars are always shinning under the clouds.

Old age, millennia even: they grow old, but the beauty still remains

of their opposite's polarity.

92.

"This is how the story went,

I met someone by accident"

(Fuck iTunes for joining it with a song that i don't care about)

but yeah, it's beautiful, like so many other things in life:

like regret. Again i never disclose what i want.

On to Thermodynamics: Valerie

P.S. my words were: passion, kick, and dream.

91.

I've always thought that wanting was a weakness, that desire was this vulnerability. I, Valerie have only expressed the want to others that I want to go into education, that I want to write, and learn pretty languages, and travel the world, and help kids, and have a massive library with lofts of old, broken and browning books. But you see, these things only depend on me. I can want the world out of myself, because I already know my vulnerabilities, and no one can disrupt that plan.

I always thought wanting as this weakness, because if you tell someone what you want they can just take it away, pull the rug out from your feet, and all you're left with is nothing. Less than you started with. Someone just stole that piece of you, that hope, and I can't just let people run away with my hope.

"Give it some time

Give yourself hope

Or I'll give you mine

Cause I don't need it any more"

Just saying... i need all the hope i have. And i can't afford to just put myself on the line all the time, but people can't read your mind and find out what you want: as much as I wish they could. It would make things so much easier. But no one's going to wake up with telekinesis, or else i'd be in as much trouble as i was in ecstasy ;)

I also believe, though, that every single little thing in this world happens for a reason, and maybe what's been happening to me lately is going to finally express what i want. Because the quality of life doesn't reside in your education, or your job: it relies on other people. Love is a two way road, and to have the great pleasure of love, i guess i first have to shed this cocoon and finally show the glass little figurine i am, and maybe let myself break for a change, i may have cracked, but that was the one other time i told someone what i actually wanted. That didn't turn out well, I didn't get what i wanted; which i didn't really express correctly. I mean i hope I will in the near future... But I'm scared. shitless.

I thought this was appropriate:

"It's time to change, throw out the books and start again

Break all the rules, fall on your face, don't be ashamed

You can't waste more time, 'cause you've been gone for far too long

Trapped in his arms, safe without harm

Follow your heart, don't be afraid

You think that you're OK

But I don't believe in what you say

You think that it's too late

But it's not good, good enough for you

Don't hide away

'Cause I know that you've got what it takes

I believe you can be what you wanna be

Let yourself go, don't you worry about a thing

Breaking the chains - so hard to begin

Follow your heart, don't be afraid

You think that you're OK

But it's not good, good enough for you

Don't hide away

'Cause I know that you've got what it takes

I believe you can be what you wanna be

Don't hide away

'Cause I know that you've got, got what it takes

And I believe you can be what you wanna be

Don't hide away

'Cause I know that you've got what it takes

I believe you can be what you wanna be

You can be what you wanna be..."

So, this is my declaration. I'm going to tell people what I want.

Because in the wise words of Gigi (who some people recognize as me)

"I may dissect each little thing and put myself out there so much but at least that means that I still care. Oh! You've think you won because women are expendable to you. You may not get hurt or make an ass of yourself that way but you don't fall in love that way either. You have not won. You're alone. I may do a lot of stupid shit but I'm still a lot closer to love than you are."

I hope all these wise words serve me as well as I want them to.

90.

89.

We always measure the validity of our lives, the time we have, the measure of success, it's all these numbers, and grades, and competitions, and ugh, sometimes it's nauseating. I mean why do we try to plan for the future, speak about our plans, plan surrounding our expectations, when nothing is the same as it was a minute before. I know i've done it: I'm not going to pretend as though i haven't been the victim to this ridiculous notion. I'm going through that age old college process, and it's nice: it's even settling to know who you want to be and what you want to do: but it's nothing if tomorrow we're nothing. or if there's something greater than plans: like emotions, and experiences, and friends, and loves, and knowledge. I don't know if I'm rambling, or contradicting, or even making any sense, but this stream of conscious sort of thinking is kind of how I'm operating right now.

I'm a fool. For so much, and my foolishness has kind of defined my life and my happiness, or guess at happiness. If i was so secure with my plans, and my expectations for life, why is my happiness broken by a lame response, or none at all, an email that houses a decision, or the response of my boss on not being able to make work on Thursday.

I don't know about much, but last night, as I watched this stream of light sparkle the dust in the air of a dark room, i thought not of how stuffy my nose would be, but of the universe, and the sparkling stars above: and how everyone of us is just a speck of dust, but in my opinion if you see dust in the right light--it's just as beautiful as a glowing ball of gas a million miles away. It's just as beautiful as a second chance, a glimmer of hope, a spasm of excitement, a rush of anxiety, or the solemn realization of a broken heart.

Thinking, as always, Valerie.

88.

I'm so so
Its late
And I forgot to take my medicine
I'm uptight and tired
In my life its so mechanical
And feeling, feeling great
till I realise all the mess I'm in
I'm so uninspired at a time that is so so

I'm so so
Its fate
I've lost my antihistamine
I'm finding it hard
To fill in the pro's of my reasons for living list
When its too late to be late
I don’t show up at all
The gaps in my diaries speak volumes about me
I've done something wrong
At least I've done something

Take me back to the London town
That brought me up
Cause its bringing me down
And I will pay you solid gold, my friend, yeah
Would you take me back to London town
When it felt good to be around
And I will pay you solid gold my friend, my friend
(Solid gold x4)

I'm so so today
My days are unaccounted for
I found ,I'm bound only to me
I'm not alone, but I'm lonely
Feeling great
In a voice that didn’t suit the face
He said instead they’re becoming your mistakes
Remember that time is the time that it takes
I've done something wrong
At least I've done something

Take me back to the London town
That brought me up cause its bringing me down
And I will pay you solid gold my friend, yeah please
Take me back to the town I miss
Now morphed into antithesis of
Every bit it used to be
I'm so so

so this is so so so how i feel right now.

86.

What does it mean to be the bad guy?

Is it your intentions, is it your actions, or inactions, or is it that tight knotting pain in your stomach?- If i could guess I'd say it was all three, but i think i've just lied to myself long enough to become the villain, and that i never wanted to see happen. It did, though.

"I'm a vindictive little bitch, truth be told," (Clementine)

But I believe that everything happens for a reason: everything.

85.

flushed cheeks,

knees weak.

break me.

there's something beautiful in destruction,

or we wouldn't find it so appealing.

Even destructing ourselves, in the most beautifully appealing away.

"Night won’t breathe

Oh how we
Fall into silence from the sky"

Tell me something will happen....

84.

There's something invigorating about coming back to something you have forgotten, taking time (so precious) to do what you love, even if you'll regret it later. There are some things in life that i know, and most things that i do not know: but this, that when i'm waking up in the morning tomorrow and i cannot wake from a crusty-eyed slumber, that i stayed up the night before: not starting my essay, not finishing my spanish questions but thinking, and reflecting, which i think is more important than you're everyday school assignment.

Teachers want you to grow and develop into a functioning and successful participant in the interdependent world, or that's at least what the keep telling me. As a hopeful teacher myself, i want kids to grow up with passion: maybe it's not for doing assignments and that's all right: everyone has their own forte and sometimes it doesn't involve memorization skills and a pen. I know that i shouldn't be saying that people can find their passions anywhere, because there will be one smart-ass who says their passion is sitting in front of the television all day and eating junk food. Well, except the mindless Babbitts of our society, people who discover and follow new passions are what change and shape our world. Passions for entertainment, or social networking, or language, or math, or creating, or destroying: each of these things are needed in a balanced society.

There will be time, there will be time
To prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet;
There will be time to murder and create,
And time for all the works and days of hands
That lift and drop a question on your plate;	30
Time for you and time for me,
And time yet for a hundred indecisions,
And for a hundred visions and revisions,
Before the taking of a toast and tea. T.S. Eliot's "J.Alfred Prufrock"

Just food for thought. Nom. Nom. Nom. Valerie.