I'm SO stupid. Why, why do i get myself into these fucking situations. Hope is dangerous, it's really important, but it can also be dangerous, and for an optimist like me, it may as well be lethal to my livelihood. Bitches. *sorry for the vulgarity of the language. venting!
Mistakes are a dime a dozen, I know it by how rich I am in disappointment. Can I learn? Do I learn? I try, but, because I believe in the best in people I give them unlimited attempts to do right by me, and then i get punched in the face. or stabbed in the back. and i recover, my pride is a steel breast plate in the armor of my self confidence, but that knot in my stomach makes me second guess all of this. Why do I try so hard? Even if I fight for everyone to like me, and expect everyone to, that's not the case. To some people I really just do look like an idiot. Someone they can boss around, or expect grandiose favors, or love to hate... I just want my own piece of mind, I want to make others happy, and I want some people to make me happy: by following through with plans, by being straight up about things, by being comforting to me. Maybe it's my homesick nostalgia talking, but in a new place I've come to realize that no one here really knows me. I mean they do, because I wear my heart on my sleeve like an asshole, but they don't owe me anything, and I certainly do not owe them anything. I have no obligations, I'm a free floating body without ties to anything: I miss that. I miss traditions, and structure. I miss my friends and my parents. I'm realizing that I may come off as an idiot, or a crazy bitch to some people, and that scares me because I'm not, or at least I don't believe I am. I have grown up, matured, that is certain, but in retrospect I don't see myself in those lights, or them. I mean I throw around the term douchebag, and asshole, but do I really harbor any anger towards them? No. They hurt me sure, but I forgave them and was never angry, it was everyone else who was angry. I was just... disappointed and hurt, and everyone else expected me to be... I don't know why, but i expected the same of other people towards me? I never wanted to make anyone angry, I've never been angry with anyone but my parents, I've just been embarrassed, hurt, or in denial: that happens too with me. But I feel that I should know better. Why don't I know better.
Discovering and Discovering, V.
P.S. My super hot linear algebra professor (really I just want to jump his bones) handed back our quizzes today (which i aced BTW) and he gave me a math history lesson on my last name. I wanted to melt.
