128.

So in the last few weeks of my life I have learned a lot about myself: some of it good, some of it not so good. I learned that I can be self-sufficient, I can be healthy, I can be frugal, I can overcome failure, and I am human. I've realized that people always are in rotation in your life, and that the as timeless as your life can see there is so much world happening around you. I have learned that what you thought you wanted is the exact opposite, and that things never turn out exactly perfect and that's the beauty of life. I've learned that as much as you want them, or don't want them the universe is constantly giving you signs on how to live, how to love, and that everything really does happen for a reason. I've realized that being alone is really eye-opening and that you have to love yourself before you begin to think about loving someone else. I realized that you do fail sometimes, and if you lose sight of what's important you can lose you're sanity. I've realized that sitting back and breathing sometimes is really really really important. I've realized that although it's okay to have a breaking point, you have to have the level head to pick yourself off the floor. That I can't be so desperate, I can't be always on the prowl, and that opportunity will find me, it's sort of the definition of it. I realized that time sensitivity is more important than you think. If you can't be with a person when you want to, it's probably never going to happen. And if it does, it's because you've grown into people that also want each other. I realized that I'm growing up, and my perspective on the world is showing, even though I still have rosy colored glasses perched on my freckled nose. I realized that friends are worth more than the world, and that parents can be what causes you to lose it, but also what keeps you together. I've realized that cherishing a cool breeze is just as important as cherishing a first kiss, or an unexpected giggle, or a song that catches you by surprise and puts words to everything you're feeling. I've realized that life is too short to hold hate, resentment, or grudges. That sleep remedies everything, and what sleep can't help: a good workout, a nice cry, a hot shower, a warm meal, a funny movie, and a best friend can. And what i've realized most of all: is that there are things I can't plan for. I've been planning my life for as long as I can remember, but the best things happen by accident, eventually. And if you think you're ready for something, if it's not happening you're probably not. And that life is unpredictable as the weather, in July in Montreal.

127.

Friend no more


Friend no more
we met on a distant shore
long before


I knew you-
how important you'd be
as you washed upon me like the sea
a tidal wave of ecstasy


I knew you- 
as the hours passed 
and our shared interests became vast, 
like the depths of the sea:


I didn't know-
what conversation would be our last.

 x

Friend no more-

I fear the distance a bridge cannot cross

and from that I feel lost

without a way home.

Friend no more-

I've forgotten my pride

and swallowed my last bitter sigh

We- we never got to say goodbye, 

Friend no more.

Friend no more-

you fill me with such disdain

because I've waited in vain

while you've again

rejected my apology.

Friend no more-

you've passed through a door 

and locked me on the outside

to discover that this friend-

you-

have come to an end,

Friend no more. 

VH 

126.

Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss things; small minds discuss people

-Eleanor Roosevelt  

125.

I know I've been neglectful, it's just I've been posting more often on my tumblr, and my life has been sort of exciting for awhile now. I had a fun time at home visiting my friends and family, and it was really sweet and exactly what i was waiting for in a sense. Yet, now I'm back in Montreal getting back up on my unsteady feet and taking on the world with a new world view and a greater sense of confidence. Get at me Montreal! I've been job hunting recently which has no prospects at the moment, but I've been working on my French and my self. It's me time. 




Well, that's the update, and well yeah. Shit is gonna get real. 


Going to clean and collage and french today, V. 

124.

I think this picture sort of describes my life: 

So math has become the pain of my existence, you besides my home-wrecking desires that literally fill me to the brim, and that is why I'm taking a break from it at the moment. 

Poem Time: 

the wind lifts the hairs of the nape of my neck

and sends a chill down my spine

and i'm sent to your lips

shocking me into a submissive wreck

every sort of weather brings another sign 

of our hearts' eclipse. 

I'm nostalgic for the sun

and i'm excited by thunder

and i'm thrilled by lightning 

yet my thrills are rolled into the sadness of the rain. 

But that passing breeze, 

will always have me fall to my knees. 

It's the temperament of weather that I equate with you.

VH 5.28.2012. 

You got a tumblr? Follow me fools!  to get more picture love, remember those? click here!!!!

123.

This is all about honesty, how I honestly feel and what I'm honestly going to do about it. I'm lonely and I'm depressed: probably because I'm alone, I miss my family, and I feel like a disappointment to everyone around me but I'm absolutely too lazy to change it. I feel alone in this city because even though I know people, I don't know enough people. I want to be more, to be loved, to be held. Most of my experiences of note here have been under some sort of influence where it's pretty much completely shallow and crazy and ridiculous. I miss quiet nights where people get intimate, they see the universe in the depths of each others eyes, they bond over stories, over similarities, they whisper and giggle and fall into a place of mutual respect adoration and understanding. I miss cuddling with my best friend watching scary movies, and I miss falling in love with everyone around me, because I don't know any better. Tomorrow's another day, my darling, and proactive it will be. I will no longer be a disappointing daughter, student, or friend. and I will be a great lover to whoever gives me that chance, not that there's very many people that give me that chance. 


I miss my life, without my codependence I am a depressed mess. 
I need saving, and I need someone who will allow themselves become a crutch to a helpless mess of a girl. 


Sorry to be spilling my misery, but as everyone knows, misery loves its company, V. 

122.

I'm SO stupid. Why, why do i get myself into these fucking situations. Hope is dangerous, it's really important, but it can also be dangerous, and for an optimist like me, it may as well be lethal to my livelihood. Bitches. *sorry for the vulgarity of the language. venting!
Mistakes are a dime a dozen, I know it by how rich I am in disappointment. Can I learn? Do I learn? I try, but, because I believe in the best in people I give them unlimited attempts to do right by me, and then i get punched in the face. or stabbed in the back. and i recover, my pride is a steel breast plate in the armor of my self confidence, but that knot in my stomach makes me second guess all of this. Why do I try so hard? Even if I fight for everyone to like me, and expect everyone to, that's not the case. To some people I really just do look like an idiot. Someone they can boss around, or expect grandiose favors, or love to hate... I just want my own piece of mind, I want to make others happy, and I want some people to make me happy: by following through with plans, by being straight up about things, by being comforting to me. Maybe it's my homesick nostalgia talking, but in a new place I've come to realize that no one here really knows me.     I mean they do, because I wear my heart on my sleeve like an asshole, but they don't owe me anything, and I certainly do not owe them anything. I have no obligations, I'm a free floating body without ties to anything: I miss that. I miss traditions, and structure. I miss my friends and my parents. I'm realizing that I may come off as an idiot, or a crazy bitch to some people, and that scares me because I'm not, or at least I don't believe I am. I have grown up, matured, that is certain, but in retrospect I don't see myself in those lights, or them. I mean I throw around the term douchebag, and asshole, but do I really harbor any anger towards them? No. They hurt me sure, but I forgave them and was never angry, it was everyone else who was angry. I was just... disappointed and hurt, and everyone else expected me to be... I don't know why, but i expected the same of other people towards me? I never wanted to make anyone angry, I've never been angry with anyone but my parents, I've just been embarrassed, hurt, or in denial: that happens too with me. But I feel that I should know better. Why don't I know better.


Discovering and Discovering, V. 


P.S. My super hot linear algebra professor (really I just want to jump his bones) handed back our quizzes today (which i aced BTW) and he gave me a math history lesson on my last name. I wanted to melt.