124.

I think this picture sort of describes my life: 

So math has become the pain of my existence, you besides my home-wrecking desires that literally fill me to the brim, and that is why I'm taking a break from it at the moment. 

Poem Time: 

the wind lifts the hairs of the nape of my neck

and sends a chill down my spine

and i'm sent to your lips

shocking me into a submissive wreck

every sort of weather brings another sign 

of our hearts' eclipse. 

I'm nostalgic for the sun

and i'm excited by thunder

and i'm thrilled by lightning 

yet my thrills are rolled into the sadness of the rain. 

But that passing breeze, 

will always have me fall to my knees. 

It's the temperament of weather that I equate with you.

VH 5.28.2012. 

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123.

This is all about honesty, how I honestly feel and what I'm honestly going to do about it. I'm lonely and I'm depressed: probably because I'm alone, I miss my family, and I feel like a disappointment to everyone around me but I'm absolutely too lazy to change it. I feel alone in this city because even though I know people, I don't know enough people. I want to be more, to be loved, to be held. Most of my experiences of note here have been under some sort of influence where it's pretty much completely shallow and crazy and ridiculous. I miss quiet nights where people get intimate, they see the universe in the depths of each others eyes, they bond over stories, over similarities, they whisper and giggle and fall into a place of mutual respect adoration and understanding. I miss cuddling with my best friend watching scary movies, and I miss falling in love with everyone around me, because I don't know any better. Tomorrow's another day, my darling, and proactive it will be. I will no longer be a disappointing daughter, student, or friend. and I will be a great lover to whoever gives me that chance, not that there's very many people that give me that chance. 


I miss my life, without my codependence I am a depressed mess. 
I need saving, and I need someone who will allow themselves become a crutch to a helpless mess of a girl. 


Sorry to be spilling my misery, but as everyone knows, misery loves its company, V. 

122.

I'm SO stupid. Why, why do i get myself into these fucking situations. Hope is dangerous, it's really important, but it can also be dangerous, and for an optimist like me, it may as well be lethal to my livelihood. Bitches. *sorry for the vulgarity of the language. venting!
Mistakes are a dime a dozen, I know it by how rich I am in disappointment. Can I learn? Do I learn? I try, but, because I believe in the best in people I give them unlimited attempts to do right by me, and then i get punched in the face. or stabbed in the back. and i recover, my pride is a steel breast plate in the armor of my self confidence, but that knot in my stomach makes me second guess all of this. Why do I try so hard? Even if I fight for everyone to like me, and expect everyone to, that's not the case. To some people I really just do look like an idiot. Someone they can boss around, or expect grandiose favors, or love to hate... I just want my own piece of mind, I want to make others happy, and I want some people to make me happy: by following through with plans, by being straight up about things, by being comforting to me. Maybe it's my homesick nostalgia talking, but in a new place I've come to realize that no one here really knows me.     I mean they do, because I wear my heart on my sleeve like an asshole, but they don't owe me anything, and I certainly do not owe them anything. I have no obligations, I'm a free floating body without ties to anything: I miss that. I miss traditions, and structure. I miss my friends and my parents. I'm realizing that I may come off as an idiot, or a crazy bitch to some people, and that scares me because I'm not, or at least I don't believe I am. I have grown up, matured, that is certain, but in retrospect I don't see myself in those lights, or them. I mean I throw around the term douchebag, and asshole, but do I really harbor any anger towards them? No. They hurt me sure, but I forgave them and was never angry, it was everyone else who was angry. I was just... disappointed and hurt, and everyone else expected me to be... I don't know why, but i expected the same of other people towards me? I never wanted to make anyone angry, I've never been angry with anyone but my parents, I've just been embarrassed, hurt, or in denial: that happens too with me. But I feel that I should know better. Why don't I know better.


Discovering and Discovering, V. 


P.S. My super hot linear algebra professor (really I just want to jump his bones) handed back our quizzes today (which i aced BTW) and he gave me a math history lesson on my last name. I wanted to melt.