24.

smosh.com

It's late evening and my mind is fading in and out. I'm not doing my favorite thing in the world: Sleeping because i feel majorly sick to my stomach and don't think i can fall asleep yet. My immune system sucks. With the addition of a barking death-cough even my boy friend was reluctant to come near me. I added this picture because it's of me being #2 on smosh's myspace (click the above link to see the picture more clearly). if you don't know what smosh go type in www.smosh.com, OR go to youtube and type in "Smosh" and get ready to laugh.  I'm desperately tired so I'm out. Since I'll be home all day tomorrow (thank god) I'll do a nice long blog to make up for it. 

Sweet Dreams, V. 

23.

Tick. Tick. Tick.

Life lesson of the year: It goes on. 

Tick Tick

It doesn't care about you.

Tick Tick

It doesn't stop

Tick Tick

Counting Down

Tick Tick 

Never get a moment back.

Even now as I'm writing this blog I'm thinking "wow, is this REALLY what i should be doing" and the answer, although it is no, is sort of irrelevant. My mom always rambles "you are where you're supposed to be" i guess its a comfort for her. So apparently I'm supposed to be sitting on my couch, procrastinating homework and anticipating the arrivals of my grandparents and excited for the prospect of the weekend and the night. Sickly coughing at approximately 3:09pm, Friday February twenty-seventh. Comfort i guess is what I'm feeling. You know how people say to put a ticking clock next to a new dog at night so it thinks its a heart, pulsing through the night? Well, its eerie that a heart beats like a clock ticks. Each heartbeat is a concept of time, each we will never get back and counts down to our death. Our heartbeat is a sort-of biological clock, ticking, the reminder of time and how inevitable it is.

Tick tick, V. 

P.S. Spring is coming, I can feel it. 

22.

Hello. Floating in and out of mind waves kind of sucks: and I'm there. For some odd reason, i think it's summer. I keep hearing things, and seeing things and i completely think it is summer. It started with the job, asking me when i could work and if i was going to camp, and it ended with me dreaming last night i was back in spring track with vivi during spring break. But when it hits you "its February" it's like a big slap in the face. And although the idea that summer was semi close makes you smile. and then someone who went on vacation over break compares tans with you, and summer is again you're vice. As much as i say i hate summer, it's because it's hot. But the idea the big picture: "Summer". Oh, its the care-free agenda, late lazy nights, the salty waves, ever smashing the shore and the warm sand. its even the sunglasses and shorts and the tingle if a breeze on the back of your neck. It's funny how our thoughts run together like that. Like mush. Even though summer's not my friend or lover, i'll settle on mutual acquaintances, at least it's "something". I am the only one who will ever correctly get that witty comment, and I'm going to keep it that way. Scatterbrained FTW! I mean who isn't at least a little crazy, a little E-CCENTRIC. 

"And right now, i wish i could follow you." Right now, i should be doing a lot of things. Uhh.... Erm.... NO. 

"Run away.... Freedom." 

Thought of the day:

"What are life's secrets and why are these sweet and succulent secrets so well hidden?"

It's all the honey and the moon, V. 

21.

Hey people! It's been about 5 days since my last post, i think. what a shame! I love blogging i've just been a tad reoccupied. As you can see, i got a haircut today. But my schedule has been booked by the lovely Nicola. :D I'm happy that i won't be having a boring break. Today is supposed to be palisades mall and saw movie marathon, BUT we have no rides to the mall. tear tear. I'm not too distressed though. It's been perfecto!

So, now i have to "clean  my room" and do some homework, tell you about my awesome week when it's over. although, it can't compare to Zach's because he's in fucking Egypt! 

having a great vacation, V. 

20.

Good afternoon. Good Friday the Thirteenth, Good bewitching hour, Good first day of break, Good day before valentine's day. Good. Good. Good. 

I'm going to a party later "heaven and hell" hence the superb costume.  I find it ironic to portray will tell you, when anyone would say, "she's a goody two shoes." I'll probably end up there from the dead baby jokes. It's always the dead baby jokes. Well today looks promising. I'm going to do hw and write/draw the ww (the weed wizard) it'll be fun. i promise... :D 

Later i'll fill you in on the partay, V. 

19.

Hola, avid readers! 

I am procrastinating writing a very needed essay. yes, indeed, that is a picture of me looking like a tool. So as for updates, this weekend has been very good. which is odd i guess. No matter.

Friday I went to battle of the bands: to support Vivi (the chic in the picture with the bass owning n00bs), of course. She owned in both of the bands she played bass in. Right now I'm going to do a little endorsing. If you think that's gross you can shove it. (CHECK OUT PURPLE VINYL. they own *thumbs up*) Anyway, i got to hang out with all of the buds which was own-age in a can. and it was me and my boyfriends 3 month anniversary. cheers! 

Saturday I went to work. as usual. The kids were being brats but i cheerfully grinned at them as they strained through each worksheet.

it went a little something like this:

"Good job! Next page now. Focus, you want to finish don't you?"

"I don't want to do it at all. i don't want to do it. why do i have to?"

"You have to do it because learning is important and will help you later in life."

*blank stares* "You just have to do it alright? and the faster you get it done, the sooner you'll leave... now on to the next page"

"But i don't wanna!" 

"You have to do the work."

"BUT I DON'T WANNA"

Now, my preferred response would be something along the lines of... "Okay. Okay. You don't want to do it? FINE. be my guest. I hope you fail all of your classes, you little punk. You're parents pay for this so you have to do it. You think i wanna be here? I don't want to teach little brats how to count and write their names. Especially ones that don't listen to me" But since in my dream world i can rejoice in their tears, and in reality that would get me fired, my actual response was:

 A sweet grin, "Will you please finish your work." And if they continued a sturdy: "Focus" Even though they probably have no idea what that means. Pfft. 

Then i went over Zach's house and we watched "Repo! The Genetic Opera" AWESOME MOVIE. watch it (there i go, endorsing again) whatever. So that was fun. We laughed, i asked a lot of questions, and i cried (hey! it was a depressing movie) and then we watched some smosh videos and looked at some saved pics on his comp from.... (correct me if I'm wrong)... 4chan? Anywhoooo i left and then went out to the dinner with the rents, i've been hanging out with them in alarming frequency. We went to this chill little place and the food was marvelous! The cheese fondue had a lot of alcohol in it and i found an empty dime-bag in the bathroom which was ridiculously entertaining. I was simply and exponentially amused. XD 

So then today I sat around and did nothing. 

So...... More updates I assume? 

My aunt is fairing well, i hear she is awake and went through the surgery. The rest of my family i can't say the same for. 

Other than that things have been good. Grand really.

Keeping things light & easy, in this post, V. 

18.

Irony. I randomly look up maggot therapy while my aunt is going to get an arm amputation. All irony isn't funny i guess. I feel like I'm isolated, my only connection the steady pulse of water hitting vulnerable skin, flesh seething under hot, merciless water. It's strange that i am only profound in the shower. It's strange, when I feel so emotionless before. The rush of water makes me feel, alive. Water=life. Since when has my life become a piece of literature. Is it to be ripped apart by some lit major itching for symbolism. What am i a vehicle for? 

Have you ever had one of the those moments after you read a line so profound, You can't breathe? You have to step back and catch your breathe (like it even left you in the first place) absorbing it in. You don't fully comprehend it, but that's the beauty, the mystery of everything. Nineteen Minutes was full of them. At the end, it was so overwhelming i felt like i was in a Bell Jar myself. 

Whispers. My thoughts are lacking cohesiveness, so bear with me. 

"Gangue Green" 

"Live. Try. Love. Die" 

Distant laughter.

Isolation.

Pointless conversations with friends, now strangers.

Live Need Yearn Bleed.  

I had so much more to say, but it all escapes me. Like a fast breathe, or a warm breeze, or a lightning bolt; fleeting and wonderful and profound. but gone. In the blink of an eye. I wish i could retain all that information. 

Another thought. Why when you want something you never get it, but when you don't want something you do? Is it a predisposition of human nature to not get anything you want? Life isn't fair. Well, that is pretty accurate.

READ NINETEEN MINUTES, V. 

16.

I had the BEST day on SUNDAY!!! It was so amazing. I saw where i want to live, those cute studio apartments. I've never been afraid to live in a small place. The atmosphere is just so wonderful, so inviting and new. I can't help but love it. I want so badly to be part of that scene, the chic new yorker. And on top of all that, i got to eat at my favorite restaurant, Raj Mahal. So, as you can see. I saw Equus (and it was simply amazing). The whole double story was what really interested me.That both Alan, the Main character, and the psychiatrist were questioning themselves, their passion, their beliefs.Or you know, were deemed that way by society and they all had a sharp chain in their mouth that wasn't coming out.I mean everyone has that chain you know. You're bound by morals, society, rules, everything. 

My aunt happens to be bound by her medical condition in conjunction with her smoking. I bring this up now, because I found out today she had... lit herself on fire. Not on purpose, to my knowledge but just because of her helplessness and loneliness. Well, what happens kind of goes like this... seeing as i have to start from the beginning, even though this story (at this point) does not have a happy ending. 

My aunt is a chain-smoker and an alcoholic. She has psoriasis (a skin disease). Like a cause and effect story, she took medication for her skin. This medication clearly was marked "do not drink or smoke while taking this medication" which, apparently she ignored. Then she started to fade away. Her motor skills completely gone, complete with slurred speech cooped up in a wheel chair, my aunt started her down-hill slide. She saw various doctors, none knew what was wrong with her. and still... she continued to drink and smoke. 

Then, today, she was smoking a cigarette in her apartment, and dropped it, lighting her mattress on fire. My uncles was out working and came home to a smoking apartment. She now is in the burn unit, and my family has no idea if she'll survive or not with her weak immune system. My family completely feels guilty, every single member. Could i have done something? Could I have saved her? Whispers of disbelief and screams of worry are all that are discussed. Her arms and hands are badly burned, she's in the burn unit.

I don't want a "sorry valerie", or a "I can't believe it" because i don't want sympathy. I wanted to tell someone, so why not tell... everyone?

I feel horrible for thinking this but... she had it coming. I mean we all have death coming, but to tempt it as she did?

well, she's not dead yet. let's hope it stays that way. 

Back to the chains, i guess topic? all humans, all things are in so many chains! Why must we be enslaved within societies and condemned to horrible habits of human nature? Like Equus (the latin word for horse) we should be free. We should break those links, in our mouths, and stop the choking on unrealistic expectations of society.

Choking on Chains, V.