129

For once,

The skies seemed might fine,

But as always I had turned an eye blind

To the reality of the grey clouds overhead,

The ones that snuck right upon me while in my bed

I seemed to have seen all the light without shadow,

Like a day of squinting into the sun.

And without panic, or uncertainty I walked into the distance

And walked straight off a cliff.

For some reason I trusted you

I gave you everything, and you didn’t even have to persuade it away:

I just let you have it, and then throw it away:

Like stale trash on a summer morning.

You gave me know reason, no sweet talk, no love

But I took you into my heart, invited you into my bed,
I traversed the curves of your body

And I thought it meant intimacy,

But it just meant lust.

Those who love without love: lust for the body

Those who love without love; I personally don’t understand

Those who love without love in return- a mirror before me.

But I thought you were different,

Yet I can’t say I was always a good judge of character.

128.

So in the last few weeks of my life I have learned a lot about myself: some of it good, some of it not so good. I learned that I can be self-sufficient, I can be healthy, I can be frugal, I can overcome failure, and I am human. I've realized that people always are in rotation in your life, and that the as timeless as your life can see there is so much world happening around you. I have learned that what you thought you wanted is the exact opposite, and that things never turn out exactly perfect and that's the beauty of life. I've learned that as much as you want them, or don't want them the universe is constantly giving you signs on how to live, how to love, and that everything really does happen for a reason. I've realized that being alone is really eye-opening and that you have to love yourself before you begin to think about loving someone else. I realized that you do fail sometimes, and if you lose sight of what's important you can lose you're sanity. I've realized that sitting back and breathing sometimes is really really really important. I've realized that although it's okay to have a breaking point, you have to have the level head to pick yourself off the floor. That I can't be so desperate, I can't be always on the prowl, and that opportunity will find me, it's sort of the definition of it. I realized that time sensitivity is more important than you think. If you can't be with a person when you want to, it's probably never going to happen. And if it does, it's because you've grown into people that also want each other. I realized that I'm growing up, and my perspective on the world is showing, even though I still have rosy colored glasses perched on my freckled nose. I realized that friends are worth more than the world, and that parents can be what causes you to lose it, but also what keeps you together. I've realized that cherishing a cool breeze is just as important as cherishing a first kiss, or an unexpected giggle, or a song that catches you by surprise and puts words to everything you're feeling. I've realized that life is too short to hold hate, resentment, or grudges. That sleep remedies everything, and what sleep can't help: a good workout, a nice cry, a hot shower, a warm meal, a funny movie, and a best friend can. And what i've realized most of all: is that there are things I can't plan for. I've been planning my life for as long as I can remember, but the best things happen by accident, eventually. And if you think you're ready for something, if it's not happening you're probably not. And that life is unpredictable as the weather, in July in Montreal.

127.

Friend no more


Friend no more
we met on a distant shore
long before


I knew you-
how important you'd be
as you washed upon me like the sea
a tidal wave of ecstasy


I knew you- 
as the hours passed 
and our shared interests became vast, 
like the depths of the sea:


I didn't know-
what conversation would be our last.

 x

Friend no more-

I fear the distance a bridge cannot cross

and from that I feel lost

without a way home.

Friend no more-

I've forgotten my pride

and swallowed my last bitter sigh

We- we never got to say goodbye, 

Friend no more.

Friend no more-

you fill me with such disdain

because I've waited in vain

while you've again

rejected my apology.

Friend no more-

you've passed through a door 

and locked me on the outside

to discover that this friend-

you-

have come to an end,

Friend no more. 

VH 

126.

Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss things; small minds discuss people

-Eleanor Roosevelt  

125.

I know I've been neglectful, it's just I've been posting more often on my tumblr, and my life has been sort of exciting for awhile now. I had a fun time at home visiting my friends and family, and it was really sweet and exactly what i was waiting for in a sense. Yet, now I'm back in Montreal getting back up on my unsteady feet and taking on the world with a new world view and a greater sense of confidence. Get at me Montreal! I've been job hunting recently which has no prospects at the moment, but I've been working on my French and my self. It's me time. 




Well, that's the update, and well yeah. Shit is gonna get real. 


Going to clean and collage and french today, V. 

124.

I think this picture sort of describes my life: 

So math has become the pain of my existence, you besides my home-wrecking desires that literally fill me to the brim, and that is why I'm taking a break from it at the moment. 

Poem Time: 

the wind lifts the hairs of the nape of my neck

and sends a chill down my spine

and i'm sent to your lips

shocking me into a submissive wreck

every sort of weather brings another sign 

of our hearts' eclipse. 

I'm nostalgic for the sun

and i'm excited by thunder

and i'm thrilled by lightning 

yet my thrills are rolled into the sadness of the rain. 

But that passing breeze, 

will always have me fall to my knees. 

It's the temperament of weather that I equate with you.

VH 5.28.2012. 

You got a tumblr? Follow me fools!  to get more picture love, remember those? click here!!!!

123.

This is all about honesty, how I honestly feel and what I'm honestly going to do about it. I'm lonely and I'm depressed: probably because I'm alone, I miss my family, and I feel like a disappointment to everyone around me but I'm absolutely too lazy to change it. I feel alone in this city because even though I know people, I don't know enough people. I want to be more, to be loved, to be held. Most of my experiences of note here have been under some sort of influence where it's pretty much completely shallow and crazy and ridiculous. I miss quiet nights where people get intimate, they see the universe in the depths of each others eyes, they bond over stories, over similarities, they whisper and giggle and fall into a place of mutual respect adoration and understanding. I miss cuddling with my best friend watching scary movies, and I miss falling in love with everyone around me, because I don't know any better. Tomorrow's another day, my darling, and proactive it will be. I will no longer be a disappointing daughter, student, or friend. and I will be a great lover to whoever gives me that chance, not that there's very many people that give me that chance. 


I miss my life, without my codependence I am a depressed mess. 
I need saving, and I need someone who will allow themselves become a crutch to a helpless mess of a girl. 


Sorry to be spilling my misery, but as everyone knows, misery loves its company, V. 

122.

I'm SO stupid. Why, why do i get myself into these fucking situations. Hope is dangerous, it's really important, but it can also be dangerous, and for an optimist like me, it may as well be lethal to my livelihood. Bitches. *sorry for the vulgarity of the language. venting!
Mistakes are a dime a dozen, I know it by how rich I am in disappointment. Can I learn? Do I learn? I try, but, because I believe in the best in people I give them unlimited attempts to do right by me, and then i get punched in the face. or stabbed in the back. and i recover, my pride is a steel breast plate in the armor of my self confidence, but that knot in my stomach makes me second guess all of this. Why do I try so hard? Even if I fight for everyone to like me, and expect everyone to, that's not the case. To some people I really just do look like an idiot. Someone they can boss around, or expect grandiose favors, or love to hate... I just want my own piece of mind, I want to make others happy, and I want some people to make me happy: by following through with plans, by being straight up about things, by being comforting to me. Maybe it's my homesick nostalgia talking, but in a new place I've come to realize that no one here really knows me.     I mean they do, because I wear my heart on my sleeve like an asshole, but they don't owe me anything, and I certainly do not owe them anything. I have no obligations, I'm a free floating body without ties to anything: I miss that. I miss traditions, and structure. I miss my friends and my parents. I'm realizing that I may come off as an idiot, or a crazy bitch to some people, and that scares me because I'm not, or at least I don't believe I am. I have grown up, matured, that is certain, but in retrospect I don't see myself in those lights, or them. I mean I throw around the term douchebag, and asshole, but do I really harbor any anger towards them? No. They hurt me sure, but I forgave them and was never angry, it was everyone else who was angry. I was just... disappointed and hurt, and everyone else expected me to be... I don't know why, but i expected the same of other people towards me? I never wanted to make anyone angry, I've never been angry with anyone but my parents, I've just been embarrassed, hurt, or in denial: that happens too with me. But I feel that I should know better. Why don't I know better.


Discovering and Discovering, V. 


P.S. My super hot linear algebra professor (really I just want to jump his bones) handed back our quizzes today (which i aced BTW) and he gave me a math history lesson on my last name. I wanted to melt. 

121.

I know this is a big risk, and i can easily make myself look like a complete idiot who hasn't learned anything about pride, or life, or love, or time, or anything but what i've read in books and seen in movies. And it's late at night, and i'm lonely and nostalgic. And i watch love happen and you always come to mind. I don't know if you're going to read this (hopefully you won't if you don't feel the same way, which is completely fine: just don't tell me that you saw it this time around, and we'll forget this ever happened and live our lives as friends)

So this is what i have to say. To you. I have never felt the same about anyone else in my life. Ever. To this day. You filled me with butterflies when you looked at me, you took my breath away: I was head over heels. Even after, I couldn't look at you without this dramatic, disgusting, and overt emotional reaction. And i know you're forever from here, and we're both forever from that moment. But It was just now, that a song came up on shuffle, and I just thought you should know that I never stopped waiting for you.


Whispers in the dead of night, V.

P.S. What I said was true: don't say anything if you don't feel the same way. Pretend I don't feel this way about you, if might be a wave of nostalgia or desperate loneliness. Just know me as a friend at least.

120.

Capsules hold
Sands shift
Tides push
and winds blow.
Hands hold
Feelings shift
Bodies push
and breath blows whispers under the bright moon.
And that is all we know.
Everything is natural, eventual, and maybe that's what makes us real.

-V.

119.

I'm not going to beat around the bush here: I'm lonely, meta-lonely, I'm coming to this realization that my existence has no extreme bearing on my life, and I've only known these people for what.... a few months. I have been really happy: that is very true I've been experiencing a new facet of independence: I'm an adult in an adult world, and that scares me to death. But furthermore it excites me, except then I realize that the only people who know me as this mature person are the ones i've just met.


I miss home. I miss my parents, I miss my friends, I miss my High School, I miss my teachers, I miss the useless crushes I had to keep me sane, I miss having shoulders to cry on: I feel like I can't cry here, I haven't yet: which is uncharacteristic of me: my eyes feel strangely dry and I feel strangely indifferent. I miss feeling completely secure in my relationships because we had fallen into a habit together, a routine of consistent love. I miss that: I miss not failing in the romantic department for one, too. I mean that might be of my own fruition or there's but that doesn't mean it doesn't suck. (Not that I had perfect relationships at home either)

"I'm an addict for dramatics
I confuse the two for love"

Missing everything. But also not, strangely in the in-between, V.

118.

Clearer than the headlights through the fog,

the thoughts: there they are,

just beyond the horizon

117.

I apologize.

I apologize

for the air I breathe

for the moments I seize

for the things I may do with ease.

I apologize

for the decisions I make

and the chances I take

and the times I might seem desperate or fake.

I apologize

for the phrases I interject

and the lives I intersect

for the facts about you I may, in fact, forget.

I apologize

for the sounds I voice

and what causes me to rejoice.

I apologize

for filling empty time

with pointless rhyme,

for, maybe, crossing your mind

for the times I have been unkind

or how I so easily unwind.

I apologize

for my specific views

and how easily I bruise

and the passion I infuse,

into everything.

For the phrases I overuse

for when I'm late to pay my dues

and the meaning behind my tattoos,

for how many times I press 'snooze'

I apologize

I don't apologize anymore

for how many times I swore

or for how loudly I snore.

For loving you until you're sore.

I may have apologized before,

but I don't apologize anymore.

-V.

Look. Pictures!

116.

"They are not long, the weeping and the laughter,

Love and desire and hate:

I think they have no portion in us after

We pass the gate.

They are not long, the days of wine and roses:

Out of the misty dream

Our path emerges for awhile, then closes

within a dream" -Dowson

115.

Stunner, oh my if i could look like this. another picture of beauty.

Oh yeah, and the academy was right, The artist was a FANTASTIC movie: captivating, rich, unique. A breath of fresh air and a picture of the past. Perfection.

114.

Lyrics that explain my life:

Pardon Me He is We Lyrics.

Pardon me for my lack of excitement,
But I’m not entirely thrilled.
Stutter when I talk,
Flail around as I walk,
Yeah the moment’s been killed.

And I’m not good at this no, not all.
I’m not good at this.

I’m a wreck and I know it,
And I tend to show it every chance that I get.
Butterflies in the skies, they just fly on by.
Yeah they’re making me sick.
They don’t flutter about, I’d do without.
All they do is kick.

Mean it truly,
Sincere heart.
Why do you do this to me?
Tear me apart.

It’s my fault and I know it,
And I tend to blow it, no thanks to you.
Its like you sit and you watch me,
You poke and you taunt me, it’s all that you do.
And I’m not fighting that no, not at all.
Just want to be something, a name you call.
The lips you taste just to fall, madly in love.

Mean it truly,
Sincere heart.
Why do you do this to me?
Tear me apart.

I got my eyes set on you,
My heart is burning red.
All of my words come out wrong,
Run circles in my head.
You had me and I melted,
In the palm of your hand.
You know it yes I felt it,
You’ll never understand.

Mean it truly,
Sincere heart.
Why do you do this to me?
Tear me apart.

Mean it truly,
Sincere heart.
Why do you do this to me?
Tear me apart.

And my nails are painted like watermelons, so that's cool. Now i have to study and get my life together!

Happy Midterms, V.

P.S. Dream gods, thanks for the best dream ever last night! If only that could happen in real life... <3

112

What I wouldn't give to look like this: fabulous and elegant and refined and beautiful of the most acute kind:



An Education: of the world, of so many things begins with a book or a movie, and mine has begun here: in England, in the 60s in the glitz and glamour of a naive school girl who plays the cello and a suave playboy who has a secret life on the quiet suburban streets. I feel a parallel to Jenny: in university exciting the fear outside of my mind: aspiring to inspire others, through my writing and my teaching. I'm weary of the world, and of love--there's no doubt that i've been jilted and jaded in that department *coughcoughmyurl.* But honestly, I'm looking for so much excitement, bouncing back and forth between the academic and the luxurious and the fanciful, and the enriching, and i'm losing my ground quite quickly. I've been losing myself in all this bustle: I mean I act like myself and all my eccentric habits and wild fantasies, but the writer in me, the muse, the inspiration, the want of connection to another has rendered me somewhat alone to trek this delicate and fairly dangerous path: the one that Jenny had walked. And I admit, I take in most of the same pleasures that she does here at McGill: but alright, I admit I'm not as classily dressed and made up, but "I feel old, but not wise"

But i'm learning, and i'm getting there.

But can we please oogle some more over how beautiful Rosamund and Carrie look in this movie. My god, they are pleasing to look at, I would spend all my stolen money on them too. And kudos to Carrie's new role in The Great Gatsby opposite Leo, I'm sure that will be amazing, and i'll get to oogle over her some more <3

Oogiling and finding my feet, V.

111: valentines day

add another 1, and it makes it a wish come true: how about i make that one you.

There's a few things i've learned in the past two days about love, about the world, about valentine's day: about so many things that I find dear in the world, so many things i've shed tears over, so many things to feel for.

Valentine's day
is for suckers and hallmark: that's what they always say
but it's a break from the norm, where love is celebrated
and created
and desecrated,
(but we don't pay much attention to that sort)
we're more in it for the sport.
Of touching,
of feeling,
and nerves, and games,
and whispering names
in the dark of the night
and roses,
and glimmering light.
let's face it: Darcy's not in my field either
so wine and dine, and feel oh so fine
with love of the plutonic kind,
because the day didn't specify romantic,
it just has us buying chocolate
loathing is a self-affliction
of the lonely hearted,
but hey! you have a cat
or a friend
a mom
or a neighbor:
Valentine's day doesn't have to be gooey
it can just be half baked.

So yes, this is a Valentine's Day post: so I might have someone worth pining for; but all that i like to have is a glimmer of opportunity, of hope that maybe this time next year, someone will have their arms around me, as i write poetry and listen to rain and drink tea and listen to the pride and prejudice soundtrack: but for now i'm content on doing such things alone: with my friends, my cookie recipes, and maybe my cat (if i had one..... next year i will) because we all know how tactile things can get after a bottle of wine, eh?

Here's some gooey pictures for your enjoyment!

109.

I feel like this explains my life, or what i would sing to my significant other in my home town, if i wasn't a freak incapable of attaining one.


Sweet pea: Amos Lee


Sweet pea
Apple of my eye
Don't know when and I don't know why
You're the only reason I keep on coming home

Sweet pea
What's all this about
Don't get your way all you do is fuss and pout
You're the only reason I keep on coming home

I like the Rock of Gibraltar
I always seem to falter
And the words just get in the way
Oh I know I'm gonna crumble
I'm trying to stay humble
But I never think before I say

Sweet pea
Keeper of my soul
I know sometimes I'm out of control
You're the only reason I keep on coming
You're the only reason I keep on coming yeah
You're the only reason I keep on coming home.


Because i need love to keep bringing me home, because I know there's nothing else holding me here.
And I want it to find me, even though i'm sort of over looking for it, and looking to do me this semester. Good Grades, No social life, a hot bod, and a healthy appetite for creativity.
-V.


PICHA TIME BROSKIS.