15.

Wow, this is the third try for a fifteenth post. But hey, I'm over it. I'm not freezing anymore: Here it goes, fool! 

Saturday mornings. The festivity of the previous night taking its wear, the expectations of the rest of the weekend and the slow monotony of mornings where everyone is fast asleep, is practically my life at this moment.I must say though, in Saturday's defense, that it is a mighty crowd pleaser. I have to go to work and get ready.  I happen to be sitting, aching and waiting to venture off to work and then later to do something "fun" i guess. i still haven't found people to go to Equus with yet. That might prove to be a problem.

I still have no place to go yet, but I'm feeling the Anti-social vibe in going to dinner with the parental units. 

Taking a leaf out of Vivian's book, I'm drinking tea, and blogging, as shown in the above picture taken with good old photo booth. 

Before i rant about how much i hate the albums upon albums of photo booth pictures on facebook. I'd like to admit I drank tea because work is FREEZING. like cold to the max. Burr. 

So, with the photo booth pictures, it drives me insane! It's like, put one picture from the album up, not the 50 or so pictures that look exactly the same. News flash! Playing with the effects on your mac does NOT make you look cool. 

But aside from that, I am extremely happy. It actually seems as though we are seeing Equus tomorrow. Yippee! 

Now it be later. Much l8ter, and i have to call my grandma and tell her all about the inauguration and how i can't go to lunch tomorrow. Because I'm seeing Equus! 

Another facebook thing, what's with the current fad with the whole, let me have baby pictures of me. It's not cute. 

Watch Movies is being a jerk. 

So I'm upset. And going to read.

Nerdy nerdy, V. 

14.

Same monotony is plaguing my mind today. Cohesive, meaningless strings of thought. But the stress has lifted, midterms are over! I realized today in Dunkin' how utterly pointless they really are. 2 tests grades gave me a lot more trouble than it should of. Mind not, it's over now and the 2nd semester has begun. Speaking of the 3rd quarter, i should probably start Babbitt for english. I want to finish Nineteen minutes first though. Life is such a progression of due dates. Due for an assignment, due for an adventure, due for a career, due for a family, and due for death. I guess it's how you carry out each assignment then, that makes it exciting. I hope procrastinating works out in the long run. Short and sweet is today's post, because i have a lot to do and do not feel like wasting another day to technology. Face-book will be the death of me- I swear. 

Relaxed for once, V. 

13.

Watching The Perfect Man and reading quotes from movies I've seen and lived by,  i realized i've been shaped and impacted by a cinematographic world. The latest art form has become my most current lullaby, my sound relief that there can be perfection, and sanity, and honesty in this chaotic mess of a world. And it's all created by hollywood. But those writers, directors: They had dreams, they had messages they wanted the world to see, if it was only merely for an hour and the half. So i don't care what anyone says; movies are someone's reality. Even if the pessimists swear its fake. Humans are humans are humans. Yearn, learn, love, seek, want, need. That's all movies portray, in somewhat of a sound atmosphere but who doesn't want a little chaos, eh? 

I know i want some chaos.  

Shake things up, V. 

12-For Kevin.

Kevin thought my blog was a tad too much on the downbeat, but then again i was in a funk.

So besides the fact that we have a snow-day (first time i wanted school...) and that my fingers are all greasy from my mom's home-made eggs Benedict. (Yum?)  I'm radiantly happy. Superb, i guess you can say. No more... pity party. I'm in for the ride-of life! Like that pink spiders song, on my blog: I just want to enjoy the ride.

In its climbs, falls, loops, and turns- I am a huge fan of roller-coasters.... 

Wow i use a lot of dashes. XD 

So, my plans for today happen to be at this point:

1. make bed (i do that every morning)

2. get dressed

3. read some of NINETEEN MINUTES- best book ever ( see lower posts) 

4. Go to Tara's for Rachel's Birthday. YAY! 

So, as it seems i have a full day ahead of me. humph, but a good full day. i love being preoccupied. :D 

But i really wish my global midterm was today... oh well.

Everything happens for a reason, V. 

11

Schedules, routines. I just heard my mom sigh, walking up the stairs about what she has to do. I can't imagine being so confined, so defined by all these timing schedules and responsibilities. I don't want to spend my life worrying, stressing, or sighing; for that matter (with the occasional laugh of course)

"She said if this is the nightlife, I'd rather stay in

You call this a good time, I just call it a trip

If this is as good as it gets then I'm packing up my shit and I'm gone" 

If it doesn't get much better than the rudimentary, boring, schedule and routine, of school and work, study and reward, well then, I'm not in for so pleasant of a ride. 

I've never WANTED to live by the rules. they stress me out to much. for once i'd like to stretch out my arms and not think about my next test, my next due date, the next book i have to read. fuck it all, all that infrastructure. give me a field on a sunny day, give me a beach any day. Give me the world, but then doesn't everyone want the world? and we still haven't found a way to share it. 

I want my place in it, even if i have to circumnavigate it with a pocket knife and a nickel. I want to see EVERYTHING in the world. and I'm gonna do it, just you wait! :D 

And did you notice the global word right there? thats my lame attempt at studying. I love global, don't get me wrong, but WHEN will we need this? (never, unless we become a global teacher or a historian) fat chance. 

But alas, snow is expected, so maybe the midterm will be another thing in the future, another scheduled event. 

And if that does happen, expect a bright and early post, for a lad named Kevin by a rather peppy blogger. 

NO SNOWDAY. NO SNOWDAY. CROSSES FINGERS! TESTS TESTS TESTS. (i want them over with) 

10

Today, was just tests. Mundane and annoying, sitting in a room full of pencil scribbles and rustling in seats. It was so... lonely. there were so many people in the room but the silence floated over, the atmosphere occasionally broken by the dropping of a calculator or pen. The only company you have is steady moving progress through the test and your own wandering mind. My wandering mind scares me sometimes. It's too, boundless and gratifying. 

I've been listening to "Warning Sign" by coldplay non-stop, but i can't help but thinking: What do i miss? Who do i miss. It seems that most people in my life are right at my side. But i still feel so alone. I guess its because I'm constantly at battle. My rational mind versus my ridiculous heart. But who can really fight their nature, and what arms do i have to crawl back into? I just burry my feelings because i know they're disgusting and pathetic until i explode, at the inconvenience of my walls and parental units. I think the isolation is working out for me. But the silence lets my mind wander; dangerous business it is when your confused and dreaming. From tests, to work, to sitting home alone, has been so depressing, and pathetic. Sometimes, i feel comfort from myself, i've come to realize how awesome solitude can be. Introspect FTW. 

Later. V

9

Right now, I'm currently reading the book Nineteen Minutes by Jodi Picoult, and i must admit it is one of the most thought-provoking, beautifully written novels I've ever read. I am captivated by it's utter honesty in the face of violence. If you can't tell, I'm utterly invigorated by it, and am in love with its perception of family dynamics, which i have struggled with, for i don't know how long. I guess I want to right something like that. Something that tests the boundaries and perceptions of society by showing the other side of the story. "Everyone is someone's son" It is true. I am one of those children, and i'd like to believe my parents did the best they could. I mean, i steadily hope and believe so.

Contemplatively I listen to "Warning Sign" by Coldplay and read this thoroughly saddening text. And think- hope, that now eyes have been open to intent, and the unfair right that people judge people morally. 

8

I felt broken, beyond measure- alone and betrayed, but most of all broken. It’s a strange thing being hurt by family. It’s not like you owe them anything. You’re stuck with them and there isn’t anything you could do about it. You can’t choose them and yet you’re expected to love them and treat them with respect. What if in all honesty you wanted nothing to do with them, all they did was make your life depressing and stressful? Does that make you a bad person? A sinner? I didn’t think I was all that bad of a person. I have my faults- I’m human. So why when your family hurts you it is the worst kind of hurt, the breaking down of a soul? Is it because you’re stuck with them for life, or is love not something you choose but something that grows over time. Why must we love our families, why is that an unspoken rule? And why must we as humans respect parents who not need give us any respect in return. I don’t understand family- or love-or respect apparently.  I can’t even love or respect myself. Which leads me to believe that something is terribly wrong with me.

I can’t even place what hurts or why. All I can hear is my heart constant, steady, pulsing. And aching- I think. It’s a wonder your body knows how to cry when it’s been broken emotionally

7

I realize this is my second post today, including the pictures, but i wrote a poem

and want to insert it. lol. 

Sanity

Tears are effortless

when sanity hides

and lunatics take over the mind.

Submit and surrender

to your own tender-

natured sacrifice.

Let it be!

Refuge in memories 

perception digs deep

the present tense

is where analyzation reaps.

As one bird swims

one fish flies

and then thoughts shatter

and then realities shatter

one at a time. 

(valerie original) 

6- Inauguration

From now on, I'm going to go title-less in my blogs. I think it leaves the content a tad ambiguous, and draws the reader in. Ha! Maybe when i write a book it won't have a title, or any information, but then no one would bother reading it. Just the limitation and symbolism of titles is so repressing. If there's no title it can be boundless. That sort of book would only attract the curious persons. 

"Curiosity killed the cat, but for awhile i was a suspect" (Steven Wright)

Great quote. but on to my real purpose... as some of you abundant audience (sarcasm FTW) might know, i went to the presidential inauguration with a leadership conference... PYIC. 

It was an unbelievable experience that I would never trade. OMG. it was powerful, you know. the crowd's emotions were overwhelming even though i was stationed all the way back at the Washington Memorial. People were so kind, it was general love from human to human; that was beautiful. The speakers were also wonderfully inspiring. They had faith in our young generation which is hard to come by.

During the conference i wrote a journal entry: 

"January 19, 

Today was pretty awesome. It is my second night of the inaugural conference and it wasn't nearly as hectic as the first. What really stood out to me was the inspiration and passion of the speakers that we saw. They had so much love for young people and so much hope for the world and the future. Not to sound corny, but i learned a lot about being a leader today, to enthuse and inspire my peers. The speech by Archbishop Desmond Tutu was beautiful; his loving belief and confidence-boosting words. Also, he spoke of God. I've never been a religious individual, but i guess i have to admit i do believe in a higher power, someone keeping a scorecard. I was so proud to be part of this conference- to immerse myself in these wonderful activities among these grand people. It killed the ignorance perceived by the world about Americans- more specifically the American youth. I heard my dreams come alive and by supported by the encouragement to travel the world and inspire others. That IS what i want to do. When i entered the conference a year or so ago (NYLSC) I actually didn't believe myself to be a leader or possess the characteristics of a leader, but that i was just picked by a teacher because i had good grades. But i want to lead, i want to support and love and inspire and encourage and listen and accomplish and succeed. I want my life to have meaning. But, my vision being unclear made me a little nervous- very nervous actually. Yet, i wanted to experience before i choose. I don't know what i want. I'm so uncertain..." 

So i have some pictures I will post as well from the conference. 

It was unbelievable. 

5

So, i just arrived home from this awesome concert that was held at my school. I saw moving mountains, pompeii, kiss kiss (my personal favorite :)), rockets fall on, and one other, ( sorry i forgot their name. i'll put it up asap!) 

But listening to the music, it like made me want to be in a band. I was like WOAH, i want to change this, and make people listen. and the music was very moving, my thoughts drifted every which way. it was beautiful in a way. it inspired me to write lyrics, and yet, that might cause to be problematic, who knows?

The music was so loud it like engulfed everything, and even though i didn't realize it: i was head-banging and swaying the music. I really knew what it was like to be memorized. I wasn't really even paying attention to the music, just the mood and the moment. In time and space; infinite. (wow, I'm corny as hell)

So that's all I'm posting for now. As soon as i finish An American Tragedy then I'll add more to the stories,

until then: 

Adios mis amigos!

4

I felt a need to post another blog this morning, why? i don't really know. it was an urge and i took it. I'm amazingly sick right now, and it isn't at all fun. And what makes it worse is that i put these dumb fake nails on and i can't do shit. most of all: take out/ put it my contacts. I'm waiting until my dad leaves so i can start with my day, which doesn't look all too amazing:

1. Eat Breakfast/ Drink Tea/ Watch Bones

2. Do Laundry

3. Do Homework.

4. Exercise possibly? 

5. Read the american tragedy... it's really an american tragedy that i have to read the book for english, but non the less it is part of my to-do! 

and then after all of this (without wasting time on facebook) i might go over a friends to work on their global project. ew and a half? hopefully something fun will arise, i'll realize i'm just bloated, i'll get better, or something will actually arise in the future that's FUN!

and of course, that's it for now.

I'll let any of my avid readers (i know there are none) if my break is really a flop, or if it turns into an amazing super-break i'll remember for the rest of my life! 

3- New Years

So i was cleaning and i just happened to find these poems in the pocket of my jacket:

1:

Time may be dying,

but you my dear are flying

one of the stars, as bright,

shine through on the darkest night.

Although the glow is constant

and you're vibrant shine's in sight,

only some appreciate your light.

Put it forth, as you already do,

never burn out, but if you do,

I'l be here to catch you,

fallen star.

2:

Love from Love

Hate from Hate

Pain from Pain

and back again.

Time is ours

the stars are bright

even on this dreary night

clouds are temporary,

rain is fleeting

but time with you,

like my heart,

is constantly beating.

Now, i don't know if it was by chance i found these, or maybe a deeper purpose, we'll see with the days to come. Break's almost over :( But it's 2009! Happy New Year everyone! I mean i love the whole idea of starting afresh, it's beautiful. I realize in those poems i sort of had an obsession with stars, but i always have. They're mysterious and luminous and they make you believe there's something more out there. AH! listen to me.  It's that wistful thinking again. Ew? I think so!