38.

All the animals just looking for action

New story on my other blog. gonna post soon. check it out.

thirty seven.

watching law and order svu like its the best thing since sliced bread. it's raining. again. life in the norm, what can i say. My face is greasy all the time now.

Gonna go wash it, Valerie.

thirty six.

bitches and hoes. i just got back from work. let me just say as a disclaimer, that no matter how good having money is, working a job is WORSE. My jobs are the trifecta of my "happiness". toll booth torture mixed with a lil dirt monkey lovin' 4 nights a week. I have to say though, i'd love to write about the customers i get at my job from the cheap decal jobs on their cars to the cheap tattoo jobs on their skin. To the bitchy ghetto cats. Their characters i suppose. If they're worthy of USA they're worthy of my time. Because i watch USA like a bad habit. My moms giving Melissa( my moms friend) and I a kickboxing class. I'm saying a hell yeah! Hmmm in other news... drivers ed has been absolutely delectable. Besides the early wake-up, movies like "Red Asphalt V" really get me going. They fly my kite high in the sky. I finished Winesburg, Ohio today at work. I guess that was my goal for today, and i achieved. I succeeded and reached my goal. I'm going to start volunteering at the V.A. pretty soon with Ash-Attack. That makes me happy about life. Old people >.< Old war veteran people. I should be jumping for joy, shouldn't I? I don't really have that urge. Besides, my mom will be making me jump (idk if it's for joy) in about a half hour. I'm about to get changed into the normal everyday garb: sport bra, tank, shorts. Yum. I know this may gross you out, but i have a confession to make. I don't shave as much any more. For the record I'm usually a woolly mammoth, and i feel pretty gosh darn liberated.
Tonight i'll either be rockin' it at Ben's humble abode or spicing my life up at the St. Augustine's Fair.
You can't expect too much of me, ya know?

Later Haters, Valerie.

P.S. Visit me at work tomorrow anyone?

35.

i've approached a moment of clarity. I realize that over the last few days i've been teleporting from bitchy to silent to depressed in about a millesecond each and it kind of sucks to be around me. to the people that have dealt with it: thank you. It really isn't my emotional standing of choice. After i got through the whole vacation fiasco, that would really spare me so i'm not going to talk about it- i reached a moment of clarity, in which i felt inspired to do something productive. Productivity i've lacked in the last week by fueling my inevitable boredom with movies and mindless television in conjunction with stalking on facebook. Today, though i'm going to grasp this new found motivation in both hands and do something- i know that's amazing. i want to get a haircut, clean out my room, write a novel, climb a mountain, go the mall, repair my room, reinvent myself TODAY. i want to get something done, to show the world, that NO i am not feeling sorry for myself today, and it doesn't matter than my sucky summer is holding me down. this free time will not be wasted. i will change myself and make self-sufficient memories. Independent and self serving.

Mark my words, Valerie.

yeah i know.

It's been awhile. I'm just so bored i can't bring myself to do anything productive. I have packed and I've written Tara two letters, but other than that i've been sitting in my house and watching law & order svu. What a crime drama. i'm eating a grapefruit. Yummy boosted metabolism :D Today i'm going to driver's ed at 10 am to drive like a maniac, maniac. and then later on i'm going to the india house for lunch then work at 4:30-7:30. and then at 7:30 i have kickboxing, which i'm probably going to get ditched for, like i usually am. I'm sick and tired of being treated like this expendable reasource. When ever you're bored or have no one else, that's the time you call valerie. You can't make lunch the first 2 times, you can't excersize with her, you can't driver her to the bank. Even strangers are doing it, aka the Apple Store. Don't get me wrong, i effing love them. BUT get me a new iPod already.
So since my presence is expendable, and my friendship is as well, so is my creativity. Maybe I'll get a burst of energy when i leave for vacation on friday. The salt water will do good for me. I swear, i won't be as much of a pity party later on.

Hating summer, Valerie.

32.

It was a roller coaster with cold feet. The inevitability of a happy ever after didn't even phase me.

It never does, the chick flick fanatic.

Along for the Ride by Sarah Dessen is totally note-worthy. With the hints of feminism and looking beneath the surface and change and second chances. Can't even describe.

Parallelism FTW, Valerie.

32.

I was sitting on the bus on the way home alone, just listening to the static bus radio and watching people disperse from school. I saw the girl hugging the stomach of her boyfriend and laughing giddily, i saw the effortlessly cool and chic girl, walking powerfully away with her band mates, wind in her hair, that wasn't manufactured. I saw the badass throw behind him a can as him and his friends slouched to the oh-so-popular hang out. And then there was me, the kid riding the bus home with intense cramps and no idea what she was doing. It then hit me that i wasn't part of a stereotype. I suppose that's what i always wanted. I wanted to be different, to be the girl who gets along with everyone and - i do. Every person i saw walking out of that school i have been friends with, every one of them share memories in my heart. But there was an odd stereotypical longing to belong in a tight wound group that shared something more than classes and common interests. I wanted a quirk that made me a stereotype, so i was definable. But i'm not definable except for the ever classic :insane or "nice". and I'm not a stereotype. In a stereotypical world, like on a yellow school bus watching, that mentality takes over. Like a veil in an old sitcom. 

Thoughts, V. 

30.

Dissociation.

            No I don’t mean like isolating yourself from society. When an ionic compound is placed in water, aqueous solution the ions dissociate so that an electric charge of sorts can easily pass through the mobile ions. It’s the same as a bunch of new people in a new room, separated from themselves, almost. Can be who they want to be. Compulsive liar’s bliss. An electric charge can change everything, move everyone back into their place. Reveal truth. Court cases are like that. 12 jurors, no connection but the charge of justice, hope, truth. Justice for the defense, hope that there is justice and truth in this world, that’s the charge. It’s hot and stingy and fuels people like nothing else.

            Like a common cause during a storm. When survival kicks in. When it matters.

            Electricity. 

28.

Spring break is a wonderful time, friends.

Here comes the sun :)

I'm extremely excited for my spring break this year, its already been fun-filled with coolness from cola's parties and gi adventure "late lunch" picnics and such. I just can't wait until everything finally falls into place. I'm not even THAT mad about the 3 essays, research project, reading 100 pages, multiple choice questions that i have to do for English. I mean that's not even getting my panties into a bunch. I can't wait to visit the new Panera Bread that just opened around me, thats awesome. And last year me and viv's coolness in track practice was rediculous. 

This year Ben can drive. 

Sorry it's been a little scatter-brained, but my mind is on spring overload. Parents are cookin a bbq.

Sweet Summer Breezes full of BBQ smells, V. 

Ps. I gotta get new times for some guitar lessons. I miss that.

27.

Two posts today woah, this must be a new record. 

Listen:

To the sound of the heart beat

constant.

To the sound of breathing

concurrent with emotion.

To your eye's pleas 

for these times take tolls

on minds

buying for time

to live life.

Live life,

Love life

Breath Life.

Beat Life.

See Life. 

Be Life. 

Time's to short for doubt. 

26.

wow. sorry for the lack of posts. i've been mega busy and around. no time for blogging, or so it seems. 

Today, this morning. it was early and i was sitting in my dad's black pickup truck, cruising. So it's nice and sunny, I'm feeling good. Then i glance out the window and i see a woman in front of a grave in a graveyard that never has any people in front of it. It was like a slap in the face, it's all i keep thinking about. Life is too short. She was holding her head down, with a bouquet. It was an old grave, the word had been faded out. At least someone remembered them. That's how long we're all alive isn't it? It's how long we're remembered. That's how Freddy Cruger stayed alive. Fear. But we all want to stay alive from Love. All you need is Love. 

Sorry I'm melancholy at the moment. Reflection can take on that tone sometimes. I picked the photo to juxtapose. Everyone loves some juxtaposition. Besides, it shows you I'm not a depressed little girl, but a complex rather optimistic cool cat. 

Other news in the world of Valerie? 

Well: I was in the school play (The Wizard of Oz) I was a munchkin and an ozian, it was rocking. We sold out all three shows but i didn't get to celebrate Friday the 13 as I ought to. I really want to have a seance but my friends are all non-believers. Shun the non believers :)

I joined Track. Cool right? I'm probably going to throw some discus and javelin and maybe do some minor running. I want to learn how to do a jumping event. But my main reason for joining is to have that summer body, and for once feel comfortable in a bikini. So it may be a shallow reason for joining a sports team, but what ever sue me!

Erm.... other new things? Can't really think of any. 

Keep ya posted. Maybe i'll even have a post everyday. 

Follow your heart, V. 

25.

It's finally spring. the showers, the sun, the chirping birds. its all here- so in essence it's spring. I justify my action of sitting outside and doing my homework because of the spring time weather.

The cold concrete beneath my feet, the cool breeze, nature noises. IT'S SPRING. the fact that it's spring makes me nauseatingly excited. I just got back from an excursion to peekskill, more specifically to the coffee house where we made a vocabulary test for my insane teacher Barthelmes. It was awesome. Then we ventured into a thrift shop, a treat shop and a "east village NYC" shop. Anything East Village is my vice; that is where i want to live from 18 till death. Maybe with some London living in the mix. We looked around and it was amazing. Lazy sundays are always amazing. Now i have to start my massive amount of HW. 

Currently listening to: Barrel of a Gun by Guster. Did you know the song is about masturbation? 

130 days until Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince movie comes out. Damn Twilight, or i would've already seen it. :/ 

I hope it doesn't rain or my laptop is toast.

Homeworking, V. 

24.

smosh.com

It's late evening and my mind is fading in and out. I'm not doing my favorite thing in the world: Sleeping because i feel majorly sick to my stomach and don't think i can fall asleep yet. My immune system sucks. With the addition of a barking death-cough even my boy friend was reluctant to come near me. I added this picture because it's of me being #2 on smosh's myspace (click the above link to see the picture more clearly). if you don't know what smosh go type in www.smosh.com, OR go to youtube and type in "Smosh" and get ready to laugh.  I'm desperately tired so I'm out. Since I'll be home all day tomorrow (thank god) I'll do a nice long blog to make up for it. 

Sweet Dreams, V. 

23.

Tick. Tick. Tick.

Life lesson of the year: It goes on. 

Tick Tick

It doesn't care about you.

Tick Tick

It doesn't stop

Tick Tick

Counting Down

Tick Tick 

Never get a moment back.

Even now as I'm writing this blog I'm thinking "wow, is this REALLY what i should be doing" and the answer, although it is no, is sort of irrelevant. My mom always rambles "you are where you're supposed to be" i guess its a comfort for her. So apparently I'm supposed to be sitting on my couch, procrastinating homework and anticipating the arrivals of my grandparents and excited for the prospect of the weekend and the night. Sickly coughing at approximately 3:09pm, Friday February twenty-seventh. Comfort i guess is what I'm feeling. You know how people say to put a ticking clock next to a new dog at night so it thinks its a heart, pulsing through the night? Well, its eerie that a heart beats like a clock ticks. Each heartbeat is a concept of time, each we will never get back and counts down to our death. Our heartbeat is a sort-of biological clock, ticking, the reminder of time and how inevitable it is.

Tick tick, V. 

P.S. Spring is coming, I can feel it. 

22.

Hello. Floating in and out of mind waves kind of sucks: and I'm there. For some odd reason, i think it's summer. I keep hearing things, and seeing things and i completely think it is summer. It started with the job, asking me when i could work and if i was going to camp, and it ended with me dreaming last night i was back in spring track with vivi during spring break. But when it hits you "its February" it's like a big slap in the face. And although the idea that summer was semi close makes you smile. and then someone who went on vacation over break compares tans with you, and summer is again you're vice. As much as i say i hate summer, it's because it's hot. But the idea the big picture: "Summer". Oh, its the care-free agenda, late lazy nights, the salty waves, ever smashing the shore and the warm sand. its even the sunglasses and shorts and the tingle if a breeze on the back of your neck. It's funny how our thoughts run together like that. Like mush. Even though summer's not my friend or lover, i'll settle on mutual acquaintances, at least it's "something". I am the only one who will ever correctly get that witty comment, and I'm going to keep it that way. Scatterbrained FTW! I mean who isn't at least a little crazy, a little E-CCENTRIC. 

"And right now, i wish i could follow you." Right now, i should be doing a lot of things. Uhh.... Erm.... NO. 

"Run away.... Freedom." 

Thought of the day:

"What are life's secrets and why are these sweet and succulent secrets so well hidden?"

It's all the honey and the moon, V. 

21.

Hey people! It's been about 5 days since my last post, i think. what a shame! I love blogging i've just been a tad reoccupied. As you can see, i got a haircut today. But my schedule has been booked by the lovely Nicola. :D I'm happy that i won't be having a boring break. Today is supposed to be palisades mall and saw movie marathon, BUT we have no rides to the mall. tear tear. I'm not too distressed though. It's been perfecto!

So, now i have to "clean  my room" and do some homework, tell you about my awesome week when it's over. although, it can't compare to Zach's because he's in fucking Egypt! 

having a great vacation, V. 

20.

Good afternoon. Good Friday the Thirteenth, Good bewitching hour, Good first day of break, Good day before valentine's day. Good. Good. Good. 

I'm going to a party later "heaven and hell" hence the superb costume.  I find it ironic to portray will tell you, when anyone would say, "she's a goody two shoes." I'll probably end up there from the dead baby jokes. It's always the dead baby jokes. Well today looks promising. I'm going to do hw and write/draw the ww (the weed wizard) it'll be fun. i promise... :D 

Later i'll fill you in on the partay, V. 

19.

Hola, avid readers! 

I am procrastinating writing a very needed essay. yes, indeed, that is a picture of me looking like a tool. So as for updates, this weekend has been very good. which is odd i guess. No matter.

Friday I went to battle of the bands: to support Vivi (the chic in the picture with the bass owning n00bs), of course. She owned in both of the bands she played bass in. Right now I'm going to do a little endorsing. If you think that's gross you can shove it. (CHECK OUT PURPLE VINYL. they own *thumbs up*) Anyway, i got to hang out with all of the buds which was own-age in a can. and it was me and my boyfriends 3 month anniversary. cheers! 

Saturday I went to work. as usual. The kids were being brats but i cheerfully grinned at them as they strained through each worksheet.

it went a little something like this:

"Good job! Next page now. Focus, you want to finish don't you?"

"I don't want to do it at all. i don't want to do it. why do i have to?"

"You have to do it because learning is important and will help you later in life."

*blank stares* "You just have to do it alright? and the faster you get it done, the sooner you'll leave... now on to the next page"

"But i don't wanna!" 

"You have to do the work."

"BUT I DON'T WANNA"

Now, my preferred response would be something along the lines of... "Okay. Okay. You don't want to do it? FINE. be my guest. I hope you fail all of your classes, you little punk. You're parents pay for this so you have to do it. You think i wanna be here? I don't want to teach little brats how to count and write their names. Especially ones that don't listen to me" But since in my dream world i can rejoice in their tears, and in reality that would get me fired, my actual response was:

 A sweet grin, "Will you please finish your work." And if they continued a sturdy: "Focus" Even though they probably have no idea what that means. Pfft. 

Then i went over Zach's house and we watched "Repo! The Genetic Opera" AWESOME MOVIE. watch it (there i go, endorsing again) whatever. So that was fun. We laughed, i asked a lot of questions, and i cried (hey! it was a depressing movie) and then we watched some smosh videos and looked at some saved pics on his comp from.... (correct me if I'm wrong)... 4chan? Anywhoooo i left and then went out to the dinner with the rents, i've been hanging out with them in alarming frequency. We went to this chill little place and the food was marvelous! The cheese fondue had a lot of alcohol in it and i found an empty dime-bag in the bathroom which was ridiculously entertaining. I was simply and exponentially amused. XD 

So then today I sat around and did nothing. 

So...... More updates I assume? 

My aunt is fairing well, i hear she is awake and went through the surgery. The rest of my family i can't say the same for. 

Other than that things have been good. Grand really.

Keeping things light & easy, in this post, V. 

18.

Irony. I randomly look up maggot therapy while my aunt is going to get an arm amputation. All irony isn't funny i guess. I feel like I'm isolated, my only connection the steady pulse of water hitting vulnerable skin, flesh seething under hot, merciless water. It's strange that i am only profound in the shower. It's strange, when I feel so emotionless before. The rush of water makes me feel, alive. Water=life. Since when has my life become a piece of literature. Is it to be ripped apart by some lit major itching for symbolism. What am i a vehicle for? 

Have you ever had one of the those moments after you read a line so profound, You can't breathe? You have to step back and catch your breathe (like it even left you in the first place) absorbing it in. You don't fully comprehend it, but that's the beauty, the mystery of everything. Nineteen Minutes was full of them. At the end, it was so overwhelming i felt like i was in a Bell Jar myself. 

Whispers. My thoughts are lacking cohesiveness, so bear with me. 

"Gangue Green" 

"Live. Try. Love. Die" 

Distant laughter.

Isolation.

Pointless conversations with friends, now strangers.

Live Need Yearn Bleed.  

I had so much more to say, but it all escapes me. Like a fast breathe, or a warm breeze, or a lightning bolt; fleeting and wonderful and profound. but gone. In the blink of an eye. I wish i could retain all that information. 

Another thought. Why when you want something you never get it, but when you don't want something you do? Is it a predisposition of human nature to not get anything you want? Life isn't fair. Well, that is pretty accurate.

READ NINETEEN MINUTES, V. 

16.

I had the BEST day on SUNDAY!!! It was so amazing. I saw where i want to live, those cute studio apartments. I've never been afraid to live in a small place. The atmosphere is just so wonderful, so inviting and new. I can't help but love it. I want so badly to be part of that scene, the chic new yorker. And on top of all that, i got to eat at my favorite restaurant, Raj Mahal. So, as you can see. I saw Equus (and it was simply amazing). The whole double story was what really interested me.That both Alan, the Main character, and the psychiatrist were questioning themselves, their passion, their beliefs.Or you know, were deemed that way by society and they all had a sharp chain in their mouth that wasn't coming out.I mean everyone has that chain you know. You're bound by morals, society, rules, everything. 

My aunt happens to be bound by her medical condition in conjunction with her smoking. I bring this up now, because I found out today she had... lit herself on fire. Not on purpose, to my knowledge but just because of her helplessness and loneliness. Well, what happens kind of goes like this... seeing as i have to start from the beginning, even though this story (at this point) does not have a happy ending. 

My aunt is a chain-smoker and an alcoholic. She has psoriasis (a skin disease). Like a cause and effect story, she took medication for her skin. This medication clearly was marked "do not drink or smoke while taking this medication" which, apparently she ignored. Then she started to fade away. Her motor skills completely gone, complete with slurred speech cooped up in a wheel chair, my aunt started her down-hill slide. She saw various doctors, none knew what was wrong with her. and still... she continued to drink and smoke. 

Then, today, she was smoking a cigarette in her apartment, and dropped it, lighting her mattress on fire. My uncles was out working and came home to a smoking apartment. She now is in the burn unit, and my family has no idea if she'll survive or not with her weak immune system. My family completely feels guilty, every single member. Could i have done something? Could I have saved her? Whispers of disbelief and screams of worry are all that are discussed. Her arms and hands are badly burned, she's in the burn unit.

I don't want a "sorry valerie", or a "I can't believe it" because i don't want sympathy. I wanted to tell someone, so why not tell... everyone?

I feel horrible for thinking this but... she had it coming. I mean we all have death coming, but to tempt it as she did?

well, she's not dead yet. let's hope it stays that way. 

Back to the chains, i guess topic? all humans, all things are in so many chains! Why must we be enslaved within societies and condemned to horrible habits of human nature? Like Equus (the latin word for horse) we should be free. We should break those links, in our mouths, and stop the choking on unrealistic expectations of society.

Choking on Chains, V. 

15.

Wow, this is the third try for a fifteenth post. But hey, I'm over it. I'm not freezing anymore: Here it goes, fool! 

Saturday mornings. The festivity of the previous night taking its wear, the expectations of the rest of the weekend and the slow monotony of mornings where everyone is fast asleep, is practically my life at this moment.I must say though, in Saturday's defense, that it is a mighty crowd pleaser. I have to go to work and get ready.  I happen to be sitting, aching and waiting to venture off to work and then later to do something "fun" i guess. i still haven't found people to go to Equus with yet. That might prove to be a problem.

I still have no place to go yet, but I'm feeling the Anti-social vibe in going to dinner with the parental units. 

Taking a leaf out of Vivian's book, I'm drinking tea, and blogging, as shown in the above picture taken with good old photo booth. 

Before i rant about how much i hate the albums upon albums of photo booth pictures on facebook. I'd like to admit I drank tea because work is FREEZING. like cold to the max. Burr. 

So, with the photo booth pictures, it drives me insane! It's like, put one picture from the album up, not the 50 or so pictures that look exactly the same. News flash! Playing with the effects on your mac does NOT make you look cool. 

But aside from that, I am extremely happy. It actually seems as though we are seeing Equus tomorrow. Yippee! 

Now it be later. Much l8ter, and i have to call my grandma and tell her all about the inauguration and how i can't go to lunch tomorrow. Because I'm seeing Equus! 

Another facebook thing, what's with the current fad with the whole, let me have baby pictures of me. It's not cute. 

Watch Movies is being a jerk. 

So I'm upset. And going to read.

Nerdy nerdy, V. 

14.

Same monotony is plaguing my mind today. Cohesive, meaningless strings of thought. But the stress has lifted, midterms are over! I realized today in Dunkin' how utterly pointless they really are. 2 tests grades gave me a lot more trouble than it should of. Mind not, it's over now and the 2nd semester has begun. Speaking of the 3rd quarter, i should probably start Babbitt for english. I want to finish Nineteen minutes first though. Life is such a progression of due dates. Due for an assignment, due for an adventure, due for a career, due for a family, and due for death. I guess it's how you carry out each assignment then, that makes it exciting. I hope procrastinating works out in the long run. Short and sweet is today's post, because i have a lot to do and do not feel like wasting another day to technology. Face-book will be the death of me- I swear. 

Relaxed for once, V. 

13.

Watching The Perfect Man and reading quotes from movies I've seen and lived by,  i realized i've been shaped and impacted by a cinematographic world. The latest art form has become my most current lullaby, my sound relief that there can be perfection, and sanity, and honesty in this chaotic mess of a world. And it's all created by hollywood. But those writers, directors: They had dreams, they had messages they wanted the world to see, if it was only merely for an hour and the half. So i don't care what anyone says; movies are someone's reality. Even if the pessimists swear its fake. Humans are humans are humans. Yearn, learn, love, seek, want, need. That's all movies portray, in somewhat of a sound atmosphere but who doesn't want a little chaos, eh? 

I know i want some chaos.  

Shake things up, V. 

12-For Kevin.

Kevin thought my blog was a tad too much on the downbeat, but then again i was in a funk.

So besides the fact that we have a snow-day (first time i wanted school...) and that my fingers are all greasy from my mom's home-made eggs Benedict. (Yum?)  I'm radiantly happy. Superb, i guess you can say. No more... pity party. I'm in for the ride-of life! Like that pink spiders song, on my blog: I just want to enjoy the ride.

In its climbs, falls, loops, and turns- I am a huge fan of roller-coasters.... 

Wow i use a lot of dashes. XD 

So, my plans for today happen to be at this point:

1. make bed (i do that every morning)

2. get dressed

3. read some of NINETEEN MINUTES- best book ever ( see lower posts) 

4. Go to Tara's for Rachel's Birthday. YAY! 

So, as it seems i have a full day ahead of me. humph, but a good full day. i love being preoccupied. :D 

But i really wish my global midterm was today... oh well.

Everything happens for a reason, V. 

11

Schedules, routines. I just heard my mom sigh, walking up the stairs about what she has to do. I can't imagine being so confined, so defined by all these timing schedules and responsibilities. I don't want to spend my life worrying, stressing, or sighing; for that matter (with the occasional laugh of course)

"She said if this is the nightlife, I'd rather stay in

You call this a good time, I just call it a trip

If this is as good as it gets then I'm packing up my shit and I'm gone" 

If it doesn't get much better than the rudimentary, boring, schedule and routine, of school and work, study and reward, well then, I'm not in for so pleasant of a ride. 

I've never WANTED to live by the rules. they stress me out to much. for once i'd like to stretch out my arms and not think about my next test, my next due date, the next book i have to read. fuck it all, all that infrastructure. give me a field on a sunny day, give me a beach any day. Give me the world, but then doesn't everyone want the world? and we still haven't found a way to share it. 

I want my place in it, even if i have to circumnavigate it with a pocket knife and a nickel. I want to see EVERYTHING in the world. and I'm gonna do it, just you wait! :D 

And did you notice the global word right there? thats my lame attempt at studying. I love global, don't get me wrong, but WHEN will we need this? (never, unless we become a global teacher or a historian) fat chance. 

But alas, snow is expected, so maybe the midterm will be another thing in the future, another scheduled event. 

And if that does happen, expect a bright and early post, for a lad named Kevin by a rather peppy blogger. 

NO SNOWDAY. NO SNOWDAY. CROSSES FINGERS! TESTS TESTS TESTS. (i want them over with) 

10

Today, was just tests. Mundane and annoying, sitting in a room full of pencil scribbles and rustling in seats. It was so... lonely. there were so many people in the room but the silence floated over, the atmosphere occasionally broken by the dropping of a calculator or pen. The only company you have is steady moving progress through the test and your own wandering mind. My wandering mind scares me sometimes. It's too, boundless and gratifying. 

I've been listening to "Warning Sign" by coldplay non-stop, but i can't help but thinking: What do i miss? Who do i miss. It seems that most people in my life are right at my side. But i still feel so alone. I guess its because I'm constantly at battle. My rational mind versus my ridiculous heart. But who can really fight their nature, and what arms do i have to crawl back into? I just burry my feelings because i know they're disgusting and pathetic until i explode, at the inconvenience of my walls and parental units. I think the isolation is working out for me. But the silence lets my mind wander; dangerous business it is when your confused and dreaming. From tests, to work, to sitting home alone, has been so depressing, and pathetic. Sometimes, i feel comfort from myself, i've come to realize how awesome solitude can be. Introspect FTW. 

Later. V

9

Right now, I'm currently reading the book Nineteen Minutes by Jodi Picoult, and i must admit it is one of the most thought-provoking, beautifully written novels I've ever read. I am captivated by it's utter honesty in the face of violence. If you can't tell, I'm utterly invigorated by it, and am in love with its perception of family dynamics, which i have struggled with, for i don't know how long. I guess I want to right something like that. Something that tests the boundaries and perceptions of society by showing the other side of the story. "Everyone is someone's son" It is true. I am one of those children, and i'd like to believe my parents did the best they could. I mean, i steadily hope and believe so.

Contemplatively I listen to "Warning Sign" by Coldplay and read this thoroughly saddening text. And think- hope, that now eyes have been open to intent, and the unfair right that people judge people morally. 

8

I felt broken, beyond measure- alone and betrayed, but most of all broken. It’s a strange thing being hurt by family. It’s not like you owe them anything. You’re stuck with them and there isn’t anything you could do about it. You can’t choose them and yet you’re expected to love them and treat them with respect. What if in all honesty you wanted nothing to do with them, all they did was make your life depressing and stressful? Does that make you a bad person? A sinner? I didn’t think I was all that bad of a person. I have my faults- I’m human. So why when your family hurts you it is the worst kind of hurt, the breaking down of a soul? Is it because you’re stuck with them for life, or is love not something you choose but something that grows over time. Why must we love our families, why is that an unspoken rule? And why must we as humans respect parents who not need give us any respect in return. I don’t understand family- or love-or respect apparently.  I can’t even love or respect myself. Which leads me to believe that something is terribly wrong with me.

I can’t even place what hurts or why. All I can hear is my heart constant, steady, pulsing. And aching- I think. It’s a wonder your body knows how to cry when it’s been broken emotionally

7

I realize this is my second post today, including the pictures, but i wrote a poem

and want to insert it. lol. 

Sanity

Tears are effortless

when sanity hides

and lunatics take over the mind.

Submit and surrender

to your own tender-

natured sacrifice.

Let it be!

Refuge in memories 

perception digs deep

the present tense

is where analyzation reaps.

As one bird swims

one fish flies

and then thoughts shatter

and then realities shatter

one at a time. 

(valerie original) 

6- Inauguration

From now on, I'm going to go title-less in my blogs. I think it leaves the content a tad ambiguous, and draws the reader in. Ha! Maybe when i write a book it won't have a title, or any information, but then no one would bother reading it. Just the limitation and symbolism of titles is so repressing. If there's no title it can be boundless. That sort of book would only attract the curious persons. 

"Curiosity killed the cat, but for awhile i was a suspect" (Steven Wright)

Great quote. but on to my real purpose... as some of you abundant audience (sarcasm FTW) might know, i went to the presidential inauguration with a leadership conference... PYIC. 

It was an unbelievable experience that I would never trade. OMG. it was powerful, you know. the crowd's emotions were overwhelming even though i was stationed all the way back at the Washington Memorial. People were so kind, it was general love from human to human; that was beautiful. The speakers were also wonderfully inspiring. They had faith in our young generation which is hard to come by.

During the conference i wrote a journal entry: 

"January 19, 

Today was pretty awesome. It is my second night of the inaugural conference and it wasn't nearly as hectic as the first. What really stood out to me was the inspiration and passion of the speakers that we saw. They had so much love for young people and so much hope for the world and the future. Not to sound corny, but i learned a lot about being a leader today, to enthuse and inspire my peers. The speech by Archbishop Desmond Tutu was beautiful; his loving belief and confidence-boosting words. Also, he spoke of God. I've never been a religious individual, but i guess i have to admit i do believe in a higher power, someone keeping a scorecard. I was so proud to be part of this conference- to immerse myself in these wonderful activities among these grand people. It killed the ignorance perceived by the world about Americans- more specifically the American youth. I heard my dreams come alive and by supported by the encouragement to travel the world and inspire others. That IS what i want to do. When i entered the conference a year or so ago (NYLSC) I actually didn't believe myself to be a leader or possess the characteristics of a leader, but that i was just picked by a teacher because i had good grades. But i want to lead, i want to support and love and inspire and encourage and listen and accomplish and succeed. I want my life to have meaning. But, my vision being unclear made me a little nervous- very nervous actually. Yet, i wanted to experience before i choose. I don't know what i want. I'm so uncertain..." 

So i have some pictures I will post as well from the conference. 

It was unbelievable. 

5

So, i just arrived home from this awesome concert that was held at my school. I saw moving mountains, pompeii, kiss kiss (my personal favorite :)), rockets fall on, and one other, ( sorry i forgot their name. i'll put it up asap!) 

But listening to the music, it like made me want to be in a band. I was like WOAH, i want to change this, and make people listen. and the music was very moving, my thoughts drifted every which way. it was beautiful in a way. it inspired me to write lyrics, and yet, that might cause to be problematic, who knows?

The music was so loud it like engulfed everything, and even though i didn't realize it: i was head-banging and swaying the music. I really knew what it was like to be memorized. I wasn't really even paying attention to the music, just the mood and the moment. In time and space; infinite. (wow, I'm corny as hell)

So that's all I'm posting for now. As soon as i finish An American Tragedy then I'll add more to the stories,

until then: 

Adios mis amigos!

4

I felt a need to post another blog this morning, why? i don't really know. it was an urge and i took it. I'm amazingly sick right now, and it isn't at all fun. And what makes it worse is that i put these dumb fake nails on and i can't do shit. most of all: take out/ put it my contacts. I'm waiting until my dad leaves so i can start with my day, which doesn't look all too amazing:

1. Eat Breakfast/ Drink Tea/ Watch Bones

2. Do Laundry

3. Do Homework.

4. Exercise possibly? 

5. Read the american tragedy... it's really an american tragedy that i have to read the book for english, but non the less it is part of my to-do! 

and then after all of this (without wasting time on facebook) i might go over a friends to work on their global project. ew and a half? hopefully something fun will arise, i'll realize i'm just bloated, i'll get better, or something will actually arise in the future that's FUN!

and of course, that's it for now.

I'll let any of my avid readers (i know there are none) if my break is really a flop, or if it turns into an amazing super-break i'll remember for the rest of my life! 

3- New Years

So i was cleaning and i just happened to find these poems in the pocket of my jacket:

1:

Time may be dying,

but you my dear are flying

one of the stars, as bright,

shine through on the darkest night.

Although the glow is constant

and you're vibrant shine's in sight,

only some appreciate your light.

Put it forth, as you already do,

never burn out, but if you do,

I'l be here to catch you,

fallen star.

2:

Love from Love

Hate from Hate

Pain from Pain

and back again.

Time is ours

the stars are bright

even on this dreary night

clouds are temporary,

rain is fleeting

but time with you,

like my heart,

is constantly beating.

Now, i don't know if it was by chance i found these, or maybe a deeper purpose, we'll see with the days to come. Break's almost over :( But it's 2009! Happy New Year everyone! I mean i love the whole idea of starting afresh, it's beautiful. I realize in those poems i sort of had an obsession with stars, but i always have. They're mysterious and luminous and they make you believe there's something more out there. AH! listen to me.  It's that wistful thinking again. Ew? I think so!